Ndaye eSteak Frites ngoLwesihlanu ebusuku. Ndibe ne-gin kunye ne-tonic, isaladi ye-frisée, iglasi yewayini ebomvu, kwaye ngoku yayilixesha lokuKhanya kwePalamente yokuqala ngokuhlwa. Ingayicuba lam lokuqala ngeentsuku ezintathu, kwaye oko kutsala okokuqala bekusezulwini kwaye kungabinatyala.
Umfazi ebharini wayekhanyisile, naye, kwaye wabuza ukuba lube njani usuku lwam. Akukubi konke konke, ndatsho. Igama lakhe lalinguLucy. Uye wandazisa kumhlobo wakhe uLeslie, athe wayenosuku olubi kakhulu: Wayesandokufumanisa ukuba akanasithuba seminyaka emithathu ukuba aphile. Wayenomhlaza wemiphunga. Ukusuka ekutshayeni.
Kwiintsuku ezimbalwa kamva, ndadibana noLeslie Barnett kwikloko eGrand Central. Wayenxibe ihempe emhlophe enemikhono emide emhlophe, isiketi esinexabiso kunye neembadada. Wayekwiminyaka yakhe yokuqala yama-40. Amehlo aluhlaza, uncumo oluqaqambileyo. Iinwele zakhe ezingqindilili ezibomvu zazimfutshane. (Wayenempandla kwiinyanga ezintathu ngaphambili, kamva ndafunda.)
Sinyuke izteps sayohlala phantsi sisitya ilunch. Ungena evela eBedford, N.Y., apho akhulele khona ekumgangatho ophakathi (kwizikolo zabucala, amahashe). Umama wakhe uqhuba inkampani yokuthengisa izindlu nomhlaba ephezulu. Utata wakhe ongasekhoyo wayeligqwetha kwiNdibano yaseNew York.
UNksz Barnett watshaya icuba lakhe lokuqala, wadikwa wasweleka ngobunye ubusuku kwikholeji yamantombazana onke, eW Wheaton. Wayithanda. Emva kokuphumelela kwiDyunivesithi yaseVermont, wafudukela eManhattan wathengisa intengiso kwiimagazini (McCall’s, New Woman). Umthetho wam ibingekuko ukutshaya ngelixa ndisekhaya, utshilo. Kuphela ukuba bendizakuphuma.
Oko wenza ubusuku obuthathu ukuya kwezine ngeveki-kwizibonelelo zokubophelela abamnyama kwiPuck Building nakwi-U.S.S. Bangenasibindi, nakwiibhari zangaphambili ezifana neSurf Club, iCrane Club, iBoom.
Kwakungukukhanya okuqaqambileyo, isiXeko esiKhulu, utshilo. Kwakumnandi nje. Owu, ndinethamsanqa, kwaye nangale minyaka ndandisazi ukuba ndinethamsanqa lokuhlala kuzo. Ndaziva ngathi ndikwi 1920's…. Ewe ndihlala eNew York, uyazi, ndaphuma ndaya kakhulu. Ndandihlala kakhulu-yayiyingxaki leyo kwaye ndandikuthanda ukutshaya. Ndiyayithanda.
Ndamxelela ukuba ndiza kuba necuba lam lokuqala nge-13 kwaye bendisoloko nditshaye kwaye ndiqhubeke ukusukela oko.
Ukuba ngumsi wentlalontle, ucinga ukuba wenza izinto ngokumodareyitha, kwaye yonke into ngokumodareyitha ilungile, utshilo. Kodwa uyalibala ukuba uhlala kwisiXeko saseNew York kwaye usebenza kwezi zakhiwo, kwaye ngubani owaziyo ukuba zeziphi i-carcinogens ezikubo? Neekhemikhali ezirhwexayo, ungcoliseko lomoya…. Ke loo nto inyusa ngaphezulu kakhulu. Ngapha koko, ndikhule ndinomntu otshayayo endlini, uyayazi ke ukuba konke kuyadibanisa. Kwaye ngenxa yokuba uyeke ukutshaya akuthethi ukuba awuzukuba nomhlaza wemiphunga, kwaye bendingayazi loo nto.
Ndiyalele imbiza yeti ukuze ipheke. Ndinepisi yeNicorette gum, nayo.
Ndamxelela ukuba ndizimisele ukuyeka ukutshaya emva kwekholeji, kodwa ngoku ndandineminyaka engama-34 ubudala. Ndisenako ukutshaya ipakethi ngobusuku obunye, emva koko ndiyeke iveki yonke.
Sidibene ngaphezulu komkhwa wokutshaya otshayayo wentlalontle wokutshaya i-smumming, ukungathengi iipakethi, kwaye sihlala siqaphela indlela ekucekisa ngayo ukukhanyisa into yokuqala ekuseni okanye ukuhamba ezitalatweni okanye ngexesha lomsebenzi.
UNkosazana Barnett uthe utshaye uMarlboros rhoqo, emva koko watshintshela kwiMarlboro Lights kwaye wehlisa kwi-30. Ukuba wayethandana nomfana ongatshayiyo, ngewayengatshayi. Ndingayilawula ngokwenene, utshilo.
NgoJanuwari ka-2001, uNks. Barnett waqala ukucinga ukuba kukho into engahambi kakuhle. Wayeswele umphefumlo. Kwakukho iintlungu engalweni yakhe yasekhohlo. Wayecinga ukuba yintliziyo yakhe. Emva koko waziva ediniwe kakhulu kwaye wacinga ukuba sisifo seLyme.
Oogqirha bamxelela ukuba uphilile.
NgoNovemba ophelileyo, waqala ukukhwehlela. (Ubonakalisile; yayikukukhohlela okubi). Kwaqala ukuba buhlungu xa ephefumlela phezulu. Wayezibuza ukuba yinyumoniya na kwaye wathabatha uhambo oluya kwiCaribbean; Kwinqwelomoya ebuyela eNew York ngoJanuwari ophelileyo, imeko yakhe yaba mandundu ngakumbi. Ubuso nentamo yakhe zazidumbile.
Ndijonge njengomgcini webala, utshilo. Bendinemithambo.
UNks uBarnett uye wanqumama, wanxiba iiglasi zelanga ezimnyama. Yeyona nto yayiyeyona imbi kakhulu, watsho ngento eyenzekileyo emva koko. Kwakunzima kakhulu.
Wafumana i-CAT scan wayishiya kugqirha wakhe.
Ndabaleka ndabuya ndaya eofisini kuba andikayiva nangoku, utshilo. Kwaye ndahamba ndaya ecaleni kwebhloko kwaye kwakungoJan. 21, kwaye ndiyalila kuba bendisazi. Ndiyazi nje. Ndikhumbula umqhubi wetraki engqiyame ngaphandle kwekhetshi yakhe esiya, ‘Sithandwa, ingaba ulungile?’, Njengoko beya kwenza njalo eNew York. Ndaye ndaphinda ndabuyela ngaphakathi ugqirha wandibizela eofisini yakhe; uguqe ngamadolo phambi kwam wandixelela. Uthe nje, 'Unomdlavuza.'
Umhlaza wawunyukele kwisisu sakhe. Kwakufuneka aqale ukwenza izigqibo ngokukhawuleza. Ugqirha wakhe wamxelela ukuba kwakusele iinyanga ezimbini ukuba abhubhe. Waqala ukuthungelwano.
Yinto thixo, utshilo. Uphoswe kweli hlabathi ungazi nto ngalo. Kuya kufuneka wenze into ngaphakathi kweeveki ezimbini, kwimeko yam. Kwaye wonke umntu uyakubiza. Usapho lwakho lukwimeko yothukile. Abasetyhini bayifumana ngakumbi nangakumbi xa bebancinci. Elona candelo lalilibi… yayingumama wam. Bendihleli ndicinga ukuba umama kuzofuneka angcwabe intombi yakhe. Le yayiyeyona nxalenye imbi.
UNks. Barnett wafumana unyango lwe-chemotherapy ukusukela ngoFebruwari kude kube ekuqaleni kuka-Agasti, olwabulala amaqanda akhe. Wayeneeseshoni ezingama-26 zemitha. Bafumene i-clot yegazi esifubeni sakhe ngaxa lithile, ngethamsanqa. Kutshanje uxelelwe ukuba unonyaka omncinci wokuphila ngaphandle kwe-chemo kwaye baninzi abathathu nge-chemo.
Ndimele ukuba kwi-chemo ngoku, kodwa ndiyathatha ikhefu, watsho. Xa iqala ukukhula kwakhona, ndiza kuthatha isigqibo sokuba ndiza kwenza ntoni. Kungcono ndife ndisilwa ngokwam, kwaye ngandlela thile ndiyazi-uyema-ukuba ayivakali ncam kum. Nqumama. Kwaye ukukhwaza nokumemeza yonke indlela.
Ebesoloko ecamngca kwaye ecinga ngolunye uhlobo lonyango olulolunye. Kutshanje uthengise indlu yakhe nge-78th nakwi-Third Avenue (iyandibulala) kwaye ngoku uchitha ixesha elininzi echibini leentlanzi ngasemva kwendlu yakhe eBedford, apho ahlala khona ngoku nomama wakhe. Ukonwabele ukukhetha iphephadonga elitsha.
Ndifuna ukungqongwa ngumbala. Ndifuna umbala. Ndicinga ukuba eyona nto ndiyifumeneyo intle ngoku ingaphandle, kwaye umbala nje. Umbala wezulu. Ndacebisa ukuba siphume phandle kwaye sihambahamba.
Andazi ukuba ndinako na. Ngu 90 degrees uphumile, kwaye ndinamanzi emiphungeni yam-yenye yezinto ekufuneka ndijongane nayo. Kungafuneka ndenze into ethile, ngoko andiqinisekanga ukuba ndinako na.
Ndakhomba kubo bonke abantu abangxamile abadlulileyo kunye nemini. Yayimenza azive njani loo nto?
Ingaba uyadlala ngam? Ndiyayithanda, utshilo. Ndiyayithanda iGrand Central. Ndiyintombazana ekwisiXeko saseNew York kwaye ndazalwa. Xa usithi sidibane newotshi, bendifana, 'Owu, iwotshi!'
Ndiyazibuza, ingaba le izakuba kukugqibela kwam ukuwa? Kodwa ndithembe, kukho inxenye yam ethi, 'Masiyenze iminyaka eyi-10.'
Sifumene iwayini emhlophe. Ngaba wayekukhumbula ukutshaya?
Ngokuqinisekileyo. Ndiyakuthanda ukutshaya. Ndiyayithanda indlela evakalelwa ngayo esandleni sam. Wathabatha umrhumo wecuba lokucinga. Ndiyayithanda indlela endiyibambe ngayo apha, ndiyayithanda imeko yayo. Ndiyathanda ukuyilayita. Ndiyathanda ukuthatha utsalo lokuqala. Ndiyayithanda newayini yam.
Undixelele ukuba ufuna ukutshiswa kwaye ngaphambi kokuba asweleke, uza kubhala inqwaba yeeleta kubantu ababalulekileyo kuye. Xa utata wam waswelekayo, woyika kakhulu ukufa akazange ayenze lonto, kwaye ndicinga ukuba kubalulekile, utshilo. Ke ndiza kuqala ngoonobumba. Kwaye ke ndiza kulwa njengesihogo. Ingcinga yokufa iyothusa. Andinaloyiko malunga noko kukwelinye icala. Akukho nanye. Kodwa ngamanye amaxesha ndiyoyika kwaye ndiphulukane nayo.
Ndiyoyika indlela endizakufa ngayo, uqhubeke. Umhlaza wam uhamba ngemibhobho ye-bronchial. Iya kundinyisa ndife.
Angathanda ukufa njani?
Enye yeendlela ezimbini: Nokuba ndiyafa ndilele, okanye into endiya kuyikhetha yile, ndenza ulingelo-ukuba ndiza kuyenza okanye hayi, kodwa nokuba andenzi njalo, iyakwenza umahluko .
Uyigqibile iwayini yakhe. Ndineemvakalelo ezahlukeneyo, utshilo. Andifuni ukuxelela abantu ukuba benze ntoni. Kodwa ngekulula ukuba ungatshayi. Kwakunokuba lula ukuba ungatshayi. Kodwa uyazi, abantu bazakufumana umhlaza wemiphunga kwaye uvela kwizinto ezahlukeneyo, kwaye eyona nto ibalulekileyo kukufumana unyango.
Ndandifuna umsi kakubi. UNicorette wayengawenzi umsebenzi. Kwakungekho neti.
Yisuse, watsho, ephakama eyokusebenzisa igumbi lamanenekazi. Emva kwemizuzu embalwa, ndajonga phezulu ukubona uLeslie ehamba indlela yam. Ngomzuzwana, ndilibele ukuba kutheni silapho. Ndamxelela into emnandi, savalelisa, wahamba wabuya wehla waya ewotshi.
-George Gurley
