Nantsi indlela yokuba noBudlelwane obuMangalisayo: Iimfihlo ezi-7 ezivela kuPhando

Kusenokufuneka uyenze ngokwakho — ubuncinane ekuqaleni.Iipelisi

Wonke umntu angathanda ukuba nolwalamano olumangalisayo. Kodwa uninzi lweengcebiso ozifumanayo aziveli kwiingcali zokwenyani. UWhaddya uthi sivele silungise lonto?

UAlbert Ellis wayengumlingiswa. Wayenempikiswano. Ukuthetha phandle. Isuntswana lomvukeli. Ngapha koko, incwadi awaziwa kakhulu ngayo yayisithi: Ungala njani ukuba neenkani ukuze uzenze buhlungu ngayo nayiphi na into-ewe, nantoni na .

Ubukrelekrele kodwa ayisebenzi, akunjalo? Nantsi into: ngokwe uphando zeengcali zeengqondo wayengowesibini kwezona mpembelelo zinamandla kwezonyango lwengqondo. Kwangena uSigmund Freud Isithathu .

Kwaye wagubungela ubudlelwane bezothando, ngakumbi kwincwadi yakhe, Ukwenza unxibelelwano olusenyongweni: Izikhokelo ezisixhenxe zoBudlelwane obukhulu kunye noNxibelelwano oluNgcono .

Yintoni awayithethayo u-Ellis ngokwenza ubudlelwane bakho bungummangaliso?

Masifike kuyo…

1) Yamkela iqabane lakho njengoko linjalo

Hayi, awuzukubatshintsha. Kwaye okoko ucinga ukuba uya kuthanda, uza kube uzibangela-kunye nolwalamano-nokuba nosizi ngakumbi.

Wonke umntu uneempazamo. Sonke singabantu. Injongo kukuba kunye nomntu oneempazamo onokujamelana nazo.

Ukusuka Ukwenza Unxibelelwano olusondeleyo :

Kuphephe ukutyhola. Qinisekisa ukuba ulwalamano lwakho ukuzonwabisa, hayi ukuzama ukulungisa, ukulungisa okanye ukulungisa iqabane lakho. Yiba noxanduva lweemvakalelo zakho. Vumela ukuba uphembelele iqabane lakho, kodwa sukumnyanzela ukuba atshintshe. Mnike nenkululeko yokukuphembelela.

Kwaye uphando lubuyisela uEllis phezulu. Ukuzama ukutshintsha iqabane lakho ayisebenzi kuphela, yenzakalisa ubudlelwane:

… Xa abathathi-nxaxheba (N = 160) bejolise kwimizamo yabo yokuphucula ubudlelwane ekutshintsheni iqabane, abantu baxela iindlela-qhinga zokuphucula, ukuphucuka kwempumelelo, kunye nokuvavanywa kobudlelwane okungalunganga… iziphumo zibonisa ukuba ukujolisa kwiqabane kunokwenza ingozi engaphezulu kulungile ngaphandle kolo vavanyo lobuhlobo.

Kwaye yintoni eyenzayo UJohn Gottman , umphandi ophambili emtshatweni, uthi abantu abonwabileyo bayakwenza? Bayamkela omnye njengoko engu-ngu:

Ezi zibini ziqonda ngokuqonda ukuba iingxaki azinakuphepheka ziyinxalenye yobudlelwane, kakhulu indlela izifo ezinganyangekiyo zomzimba ezingenakuphepheka njengoko usiya ukhula. Zifana nedolo eliqhathayo, umqolo ombi, ithumbu elinomsindo, okanye ingqiniba yentenetya. Sisenokungazithandi ezi ngxaki, kodwa siyakwazi ukumelana nazo, ukunqanda iimeko ezizenza mbi ngakumbi, kunye nokwenza iindlela neendlela ezisincedayo ukuba sijongane nazo.

Yamkela inyani. Yamkela iqabane lakho.

(Ukufunda ngakumbi malunga nesayensi yobomi obunempumelelo, jonga incwadi yam entsha Apha .)

Ke unokuzamkela iimpazamo zeqabane lakho. Kuhle. Ujongile ngokubi - kodwa yeyiphi eyona ndlela yokujongana nokulungileyo?

2) Veza uxabiso rhoqo

Bonisa ukuncoma, hayi ukugxeka.

Ukusuka Ukwenza Unxibelelwano olusondeleyo :

Kuphephe ukugxeka ngokuthe rhoqo. Yazi iqabane lakho rhoqo ngezinto ezincinci. Fumana, fumana, okanye wenze izinto ozixabise kakhulu malunga neqabane lakho. Yitsho. Ukunyaniseka kubalulekile apha. Gwema umbulali oyintloko wolwalamano-ukugxeka rhoqo iqabane lakho.

Kwakhona, uGottman uyavuma i-100% kunye no-Ellis. UGottman ucacisa Izinto ezi-4 ukupela isiphelo sothando, kwaye uqikelele ukuba yintoni # 1? Ewe ukugxeka.

Izikhalazo zilungile. Ukugxekwa kugcwele kwihlabathi liphela-kuhlasela umntu, hayi indlela abaziphethe ngayo. Abakhange bakhuphe inkunkuma kuba belibele, kodwa kuba benjalo umntu ombi .

Uthini uGottman yenye yezinto ezichasayo? Ukunconywa .

Ukhe umamele umntu ophambene ngothando ethetha ngeqabane lakhe? Zivakala ngathi ziyinkohliso. Benza njengomnye umntu ligorha. Ingcwele.

Kwaye uphando ibonisa oko kugqibelele. UGottman uhlala efumanisa ukuba abantu kubudlelwane obonwabileyo babona amaqabane abo ngcono kunokuba ngokwenene zinjalo. Abo banolwalamano oluhle babona amaqabane abo kakubi kunokuba ngokwenene zinjalo.

Kwaye babengaziva bencoma nje; bayivakalisa :

Izibini ezonwabileyo zixelela amabali azo ngobushushu, uthando, kunye nentlonelo omnye komnye… Ukuncoma okuqhelekileyo kuqhelekile…

(Ukufunda izinto ezine athi uJohn Gottman zibulale ubudlelwane, cofa Apha .)

Ke unokumelana nokungalunganga kwaye uveza okuhle. Kodwa unxibelelana njani?

3) Nxibelelana ngokusuka kwingqibelelo

Thembeka kwaye ungabohlwayi ngokunyaniseka kwabo.

Ukusuka Ukwenza Unxibelelwano olusondeleyo :

Nyaniseka malunga neenkolelo kunye nobungqina obungqubana neembono zakho ngokwenzekayo. Xa iqabane lakho lilungile, livume. Nyaniseka uze uthethe ngobuchule. Vumela imibono eyahlukeneyo ukuba ibekho. Vumelanani ukuyeka ukohlwayana ngokunyaniseka njengoko nisenza ngoku. Vumelanani ukuba nobabini niya kuthembeka kwaye niyeke omnye aphume ekunyanisekeni.

Ewe, ewe, ndiyazi: uhlala unyanisekile…

Hayi, awunguye. Ngobushushu bempikiswano awujolisanga ekuthetheni inyani- okanye ukuvuma xa ungalunganga-uzama ukuphumelela.

Kuya kufuneka uyibeke ecaleni kwaye uthathe indlela ephezulu. U-Ellis uthi, Yamkela uloyiko lwakho lokuba ukunyaniseka nokuthembeka akusoloko kukwenza ubonakale ulungile kwaye ube neenjongo zakho ekusombululeni ungquzulwano, hayi ukufumana inzuzo.

Izandi cliche kodwa ukunyaniseka kubalulekile. Uphando lubonisa nokuba ubuxoki obumhlophe bulimaza ubudlelwane.

Ukuhamba Ukuxoka :

Ubuncinane isifundo esinye sicebisa ukuba iipesenti ezili-10 zonxibelelwano phakathi kwabantu abatshatileyo ziyakhohlisa… Uphando lubonisa ukuba zonke iindlela zokuxoka-kubandakanya ubuxoki obumhlophe obenzelwe ukukhusela iimvakalelo zabanye-zinxulunyaniswa nolwalamano oluhle kakhulu.

(Ukufunda izinto ezi-5 zikaJohn Gottman ezithi uthando maluphele, cofa Apha .)

Unxibelelwano olunyanisekileyo luvakala lula kodwa uza kuthini xa uxoxa ngezihloko ezibalulekileyo apho ungavumelani kwaphela?

4) Yabelana kwaye ujonge umahluko neqabane lakho

Mhlawumbi bayakholelwa okanye bafuna into oyibona icacile gwenxa . Eso sigwebo asizukunceda. U-Ellis uthi, Thatha ukuba iqabane lakho lihlala likwisikhundla esifanelekileyo.

Ungavuma ukungavumelani, kodwa musa ukuyiphepha imixholo enzima kwaye unganyaniseki malunga nembono yakho ukugcina uxolo.

Ukusuka Ukwenza Unxibelelwano olusondeleyo :

Jonga ukungavisisani neqabane lakho ukuya kwisisombululo esiphakamileyo esamkela iindawo zazo zombini izimvo. Okanye, ukuvuma ukungavumi. Ukongeza, lungela ukulalanisa ngaphandle kokwenza ngathi uyavuma xa ungavumi ngokwenene.

Yeyiphi indlela ebalaseleyo oyisebenzisayo ngamanqaku aphambili okungavumelani?

Qhagamshela ngaphambi kokuba ulungise.

Musa ukutsiba ekubenixelela ukuba kutheni ucinga ukuba baphosakele. Baphulaphule ngokupheleleyo kwaye uqinisekise ukuba uyayiqonda into abayithethayo, kwaye bayazi ukuba uyaqonda.

Kwaye esi sicwangciso siyasebenza xa ujongene nabantu ongabathandiyo ...

UChris Voss , owayesakuba ngumphathi wengxoxo yamazwe aphelileyo ye-FBI kunye nombhali wencwadi engummangaliso Ungaze wahlule umahluko icebisa into efanayo.

UChris uthi ufuna ukushwankathela imbono yomntu kubo ukuze baphendule, Kuko oko . La magama mabini anomlingo:

Olu luqhagamshelo olunamandla ngenene ukuze lukwazi ukuseka. Bakuxelela ukuba baziva beqhagamshelene nawe, kwaye baziva ubudlelwane obukhulu kunye nawe. Ukuba kukho nantoni na eza kubahambisa kwicala lakho ngokukhawuleza kuxa besithi, Kulungile.

(Ukufunda iimfihlo zothethathethwano lwe-FBI zokucenga abantu, cofa Apha .)

Ke ulungile ngaphambili kunxibelelwano. Kodwa kufuneka wenze ntoni ukuze ube nobudlelwane obumangalisayo?

5) Xhasa iinjongo zeqabane lakho

Ayizizo zonke intetho. U-Ellis uthi ukuvakalisa uthando lwakho kwiqabane lakho ngeendlela ezisebenzayo nezixhasayo. Bancede bafumane into abayifunayo nabayifunayo.

Ukusuka Ukwenza Unxibelelwano olusondeleyo :

Musa ukunikezela ngengqibelelo yakho kunye neminqweno yakho ebalulekileyo kunye neembono, kodwa yiya kangangoko unako ukuxhasa iqabane lakho nokuba awuvumelani ngokucacileyo.

Umphandi ophambili kwezothando, UArthur Aron , uyavuma. Uthi enye yezinto ezibaluleke kakhulu ekugcineni uthando luphila yi-Capitalization. (Hayi, andithethi ukusebenzisa oonobumba abakhulu.)

Bhiyozela impumelelo yeqabane lakho. Yiba ngumlandeli wabo omkhulu.

Njani ukuba isibini sibhiyozela amaxesha amnandi kubaluleke ngakumbi kunendlela abajongana ngayo namaxesha amabi. Xa ndandiba nodliwanondlebe UArthur wathi:

Ukubhiyozela impumelelo yeqabane lakho kuvela ukuba kubaluleke kakhulu. Xa izinto zihamba kakubi kwaye unikezela ngenkxaso, ayenzi ukuba ulwalamano lube lolungileyo, kodwa luyigcina ingabi mbi. Ngelixa izinto zihamba kakuhle kwaye iqabane lakho linento entle eyenzekayo kwaye uyibhiyozela ngokunyanisekileyo, wenza into enokwenza ubudlelwane nokuba bube ngcono.

(Ukufunda ezona ngxaki zixhaphakileyo zonxibelelwano- kunye nendlela yokuzilungisa- cofa Apha .)

Kodwa uza kuthini xa besenza into ephosakeleyo ekucaphukisayo?

6) Nika iqabane lakho ilungelo lokungalunganga

Ngaba ugqibelele? Akunjalongo noko. Akunjalo. Ungalibali ukuba xa izinto zishushu.

Ukusuka Ukwenza Unxibelelwano olusondeleyo :

Hlonipha omabini amalungelo akho okuba ngabantu abangaqondakaliyo-ilungelo lakho elingenakuthelekiswa nanto lokwenza iimpazamo kunye nokufunda kumava akho kunye neempazamo. Musa ukuhlonipha kuphela ilungelo lakho lokuba ngumntu othambekele kwimpazamo.

Ukuba wohlwaya ngayo yonke impazamo kwaye ubatyhole ngokuba bangumntu ombi, bazokuzifihla iimpazamo zabo bangaxoxi ngazo. Vumela ukuba bavume iimpazamo kwaye banokufunda kwaye baphucule.

Awufezekanga kwaye abafezekanga. Yintoni elungileyo. Kuba ukugqibelela akwenzi ukuba wonwabe ebomini.

Ukuhamba Iimfihlo ezili-100 ezilula zobudlelwane obukhulu :

Abantu abaphezulu kwimfezeko, ukukholelwa kokuchaneka kwabo kunye nomnqweno wokufumana iqabane elineempawu ezifanayo, ngama-33 eepesenti mancinci amathuba okuchaza imeko yabo yobudlelwane njengonelisayo. -Flett, Hewitt, Shapiro, kunye noRayman 2002

(Ukufunda izinto ezi-3 ezigcina uthando luphila, cofa Apha .)

Kwaye uza kuthini ukuba iqabane lakho alikuniki into oyifunayo-ngokuqinisekileyo, ngokuqinisekileyo kufuneka ubenabo?

7) Yijonge kwakhona iminqweno yakho njengeenjongo

UAlbert Ellis wayewathiyile amagama ekufuneka kwaye kufuneka. Waziva (kwaye nomsebenzi wakhe wangqina) ukuba babangela uninzi lwexinzelelo lweemvakalelo abantu abazivayo.

Xa usithi into kufuneka yenzeke okanye kufuneka yenzeke, uxelela indalo iphela okanye abanye abantu ukuba kufuneka bathobele imithetho yakho. Kwaye njengokuba usazi kakuhle ngoku - abazenzi. Ke uyaba nomsindo, ukhathazeke okanye udakumbe.

Ukuguqula iilenze zakho kunye neemfuno zakho zibe yinto nje ukhetho , ikunceda uphephe ezo mvakalelo zibi. Kwaye ukutshintsha izinto ozifunayo kwiqabane lakho ukusuka kwiimfuno ukuya kwiinjongo kunesiphumo esifanayo.

Iimfuno zikwenza ukhathazeke kwaye iqabane lakho linomsindo. Kodwa iinjongo yinto onokusebenzela kuyo ngaphandle kokophula ukuzimela kwabo okanye ukwenza ukuba uphambene.

Izinto ezininzi ocinga ukuba kufuneka ube nazo azibalulekanga ngokwenyani. Rhoqo sinezinto ezingenakulindeleka kulwalamano lwentsomi njengakwimiboniso bhanyabhanya. Kwaye uphando lubonisa ukuba ngummiselo wokuphoxeka.

Ukuhamba Iimfihlo ezili-100 ezilula zobudlelwane obukhulu :

Izinto zeentsomi ezinje ngeCinderella zazikho kwiipesenti ezingama-78 zeenkolelo zabantu malunga nothando lwezithandani. Abo bantu babenethuba lokufumana ukuphoxeka, ukubhujiswa, kunye ne-angst kulwalamano lwabo kunabo babenika ubungqina obuncinci kwiintsomi. -I-Lockhart 2000

(Ukufunda ukuba ungaze uphinde ukhathazeke, cofa Apha .)

Kulungile, sifunde okuninzi. Masiyijikeleze kwaye sifumanise elona candelo linzima ekuphumezeni obu buchule- kwaye nesizathu sokuba uninzi lwabantu lusilele xa bezama ukuzisebenzisa…

Shwankathela

Nantsi indlela yokuba nolwalamano olumangalisayo:

Yamkela iqabane lakho njengoko linjalo : Ungayibuyisela evenkileni kodwa uzama ukuyilungisa ngokwakho iwisa iwaranti.
Bonakalisa uxabiso rhoqo : Unabo ngesizathu. Baxelele isizathu. Rhoqo.
Nxibelelana ngokusuka kwingqibelelo : Vuma xa uphazamile. Kwaye musa ukubohlwaya ngokuthetha inyani, nokuba awuyithandi inyaniso.
Yabelana kwaye ujonge ukungafani kunye neqabane lakho : Musa ukuphepha izinto ezinzima. Kulungile ukuba uvume ukungavumelani.
Xhasa iinjongo zomlingane wakho : Ukuba ibalulekile kubo, ingayinto entle ukuba ibalulekile nakuwe.
Nika iqabane lakho ilungelo lokungalunganga : Awufezekanga. Ke sukunyanzelisa ukuba babe njalo.
Qwalasela kwakhona iimfuno zakho njengeenjongo : Akukho mfuneko yokuba benze nantoni na. Kodwa ukuba uyayeka ukunyanzelisa, banokuqalisa ukuvuma.

Ke ithini inxenye ekhohlisayo apha? Into eyona nto abantu abaninzi bayayiqhekeza?

Kuya kufuneka uyenze ngokwakho - ubuncinci ekuqaleni. Kuya kufuneka uzinikele kwelinye icala ukuphucula ubudlelwane.

Xa iqabane lakho lijija kwaye liphula omnye wale mithetho awunakho ukuphosa iingalo zakho phezulu kwaye uthi, Ewe, ukuba abayi kwenza into elungileyo, nam andifanelanga.

Oko kunokukunceda uphumelele- kodwa kuyakwenza ukuba ubudlelwane busilele.

Ekuqaleni kusenokufana nokujongana nomntwana. Kungenxa yokuba bayakhala, balile, kwaye badumbe oko akuthethi ukuba kufuneka uphendule njani. Ukuba lo ngumntu okhethekileyo, yenzani eyona nto intle nobabini kwaye nilandele imigaqo, nokuba iqabane lakho ekuqaleni alikwenzi oko.

Ndiyazi umntu oneqabane elikude nelinike ngokusuka entliziyweni yakhe ukusukela ngo-Epreli kude kube lixesha le kweyoMdumba elandelayo . Kwaye ngo-Matshi ekugqibeleni wavusa i-heck kwaye waqonda ukuba wayenothando kwaye enesineke kangakanani: ukwamkela ukunyaniseka kwakhe, ukuxabisa iimpawu zakhe ezintle, engazange agxeke, azenzele iinjongo zakhe kunokuba afune, kwaye ephantse ukumbona engcono kunaye ebesebenza.

Eli lelona candelo lilungileyo: ungasebenzisa ezi ndlela ukunceda fundisa iqabane lakho indlela yokusebenzisa ezi ndlela.

Amaqabane athi afuna ukufunda nokukhula kunye. Kodwa kuya kufuneka uqale ngokudibeneyo. Ngokwakho. Kodwa ukuba ngumntu olungileyo, kwaye uziqhelanise nezi ndlela ngokungaguquguqukiyo- ngakumbi xa kunzima…

Awusayi kuphinda ube wedwa kwakhona.

Joyina ngaphezulu kwama-295,000 abafundi. Fumana uhlaziyo lwasimahla lweveki nge-imeyile Apha .

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U-Eric Barker ngumbhali we Ukukhonkotha umthi ongalunganga: Isayensi eyothusayo emva kwayo yonke into oyaziyo malunga nempumelelo (ubukhulu becala) ayilunganga . U-Eric ubonakalisiwe kwi INew York Times , Ijenali yeWall Street , Intambo kwaye IXESHA . Ubaleka nayo Ukukhonkotha umthi ongalunganga blog. Joyina ababhalisile abangama-290,000 kunye kunye nokufumana uhlaziyo lwasimahla lweveki Apha .