umgxeki weendaba ye INew York Times , wasweleka kunyaka ophelileyo. Nantsi inkumbulo evela kwintombi yakhe, umenzi wefilimu uErin Lee Carr.
Utata wam undithumelele i-imeyile eyi-1,936 phakathi ko-2008 kunye no-2015. Uninzi lwalufutshane kwaye lujolise kushishino, nokuba ishishini lalilolonwaba: ndafumana i-tix kuwe, ungalibazisi. xo, d. Abanye bebade, luhlobo loonobumba abathi ababhali bemihlathi bathi abantu abasabhali. Iileta zothando ezingaqhelekanga zazaliswa kodwa luthando olungagungqiyo lomzali onokuthi abuphose ubuntwana bam ukuba angayeka ukonwaba ngabantu abadala endandiza kuba ngabo.
I-imeyile eyi-1,936, kodwa inye kuphela endisoloko ndibuyela kuyo, apho athi kum, 'Nceda wazi ukuba ndinawe.'
sithandwa,
sonwabe kakhulu ngenxa yakho.
Nceda uqonde ukuba awuthwali nje uthando lwethu kunye nenkxaso, kodwa kukuncoma kwethu kunye nokuzingca kwisigqibo sakho sokuzisa amabhongo akho agquma emhlabeni.
ukulungela kwakho ukuphuma ungene kokungaziwayo kwaye usebenze, usemncinci kakhulu, ukumilisela ubomi bobuchwephesha obumangalisayo buhambelana nathi, kodwa bohlukile ngohlobo. sizisa imvakalelo yolonwabo ebomini, kodwa rhoqo ngaphakathi kwinqanaba elincinci kakhulu lendawo. kwelinye icala, usebenza ukuba ngummi wehlabathi. uthabathe amabhongo ethu kunye nawe, amabhongo ethu ngawe kunye nosapho lwethu.
Ndiqinisekile ngaxa lithile, mhlawumbi kungekudala kunangoku, uya kujonga esipilini kwaye uthi, 'ndizifake phi esihogweni?' Awukhethanga indlela elula, ethambileyo, kodwa kuloo nto uyakubuza kakhulu kwaye unikele kakhulu ukubuyisela. ngokungaqhelekanga, uya kuba yinto entsha ngokukhumbula ukuba ungubani. UyiCarr, kwaye elo lilifa elinzima, nelimangalisayo. Oko kuthetha ukuba ulukhuni, ulumkile, ungumntu abanye bafuna ukubakho. Kodwa kukwathetha ukuba iimpazamo ze-hubris, ukugqithisa, kunye nokuzonwabisa ziya kukulandela. Zilumkele ezo zoyikiso, wenze izigqibo ezilungileyo, hayi rhoqo emva kwexeshana, kodwa njengombandela. Uhambo olude ukusuka ekhaya kwaye iziphumo kunye nembuyekezo yezigqibo zakho ziya kuwela kuwe wedwa.
Nditsho, nceda wazi ukuba ndinawe. Andifuni nje ukwazi ngezinto ezintle. Ndifuna ukwazi yonke into. Kwaye asililo ilizwe elikude, kodwa uhambo olufutshane, umnxeba okhawulezayo, incoko ye-vid kwimimandla yexesha elinokulawulwa.
Andikhathazeki ngawe ngokomsebenzi. I-nickel endiyibeke kuwe yinto ekufuneka uyenzile, kodwa ndinentembelo yokukhuthala kwakho, ukuzimisela kunye nobuchule obuninzi. Ungumntu osebenza ngemali, ungumsebenzi phakathi kwabasebenzi.
Njengotata wakho, ndicinga ukuba kulungile ukutsho ukuba unomsebenzi ophambi kwakho kubomi bakho. Ukuzimisela ukuza kuphumla nesiqu sakho, ukuba ungubani kunye nenkampani yakho yinto ekufuneka uyenzile. Akukho mntu wumbi unokugcwalisa umngxunya ku-Erin. NguErin kuphela onokwenza oko. Thanda kwaye ulunge kuloo mntu esipilini kwaye uya kuthanda kwaye ube ulungile kubantu abakungqongileyo.
Ngelixa, njengoko besitsho, ixesha lokususa izinto zobuntwana. Okanye njengoko ndithetha ngamanye amaxesha, nxiba ibhulukhwe yenkwenkwe enkulu. Kuninzi okunokuza ngokukhawuleza oku kwaye ukuba wenza ngathi uphakathi ekwakheni ikamva lakho, umhlaba uyakuvela ngeendlela ezimangalisayo kwaye ungcwabe kwizithembiso ongazange uphuphe ngazo. Lingana nendlela oyikhethileyo.
Andikwazi nokuqala ukucinga ngabo bonke ubumnandi oza kuba nabo, abahlobo oza kubenza, kunye neendawo oya kuzo. Ndinebhongo kakhulu ngawe nokuba ungubani. UThixo ukunike mna kwaye okuninzi – luhambo olude ukusuka kwigumbi elingaphantsi lekhaya lomzali wam kule ntsapho incinci- kwaye kuyandonwabisa kakhulu ukuba i-adventure ithathe oku. Yonwabela yonke imizuzwana yayo.
Ngothando nokuncoma,
intlawulo yeebhili
Kwaye emva koko wayengekho.
Utata wawa eofisini yakhe eTimes Building ngoFebruwari 12, 2015. Umama wam wesibini wandibizela esibhedlele, ukothuka kwandigubungela ngoko nangoko. Utata wayeyinkokheli yethu engoyikiyo (umntu owabelwe umsebenzi wakhe). Ngekhe senzani ngaphandle kwakhe? I was worried about my sisters, stepmom, my dad's extended family, and then ngokokweminqweno yokuphila, I was worried about me. Ukuya phi apha?
Ndaya kwabanye abantu. Ndifikelele kubafazi endaziyo ukuba baphulukene nomzali. Ndababuza imibuzo-imiba esisiseko, yokuhamba, enje ngala, Ndilala njani? Ndisebenza njani? Ndizinqanda njani ekubulaleni umntu xa endixelela ukuba konke kuya kulunga? Iimpendulo zazikwamoya wokufundisa ofanayo we-DIY: Ndadlula xa ndandidiniwe, ndasebenza xa kwakufuneka ndenze njalo. Ezinye zeempendulo bezingezizo iimpendulo, inyani nje: Ukuvuka lelona candelo libi kuba kufuneka uzikhumbuze.
Ndiphuma unyaka, kwaye ndisahambisa. Ukuba ndingathetha naloo ntwana isentlungwini, kuba ndandingumntwana ngaphambi kokuba utata asweleke, ndingathi: Uya kuziva ungonwabanga xa abantu belayita imidiza ecaleni kwakho. Uya kufuna ukubetha iqhosha lesimumu xa abahlobo bekhalaza ngabazali babo. Uya kuphulukana nabanye babahlobo bakho. Uya kulishiya igumbi xa inkwenkwe yakho ithatha ifowuni yakhe ukuhlebela utata wakhe ophilayo. Uzoziqalekisa ngokususa ii-voicemails azishiyileyo. Uya kuziva ngathi ilizwe ligutyungelwe yijello, kwaye uhamba kuyo unxibe iintsimbi zamaqatha.
Kodwa ukuba loo mntwana uhlala emamele, ndiza kuqhubeka:
Uya kuqala itekisi yeqela kunye noodadewenu kunye notata wesibini ukugcina unxibelelwano kunye nokuthuthuzelana. Uya kuyenza ngeziganeko zomsebenzi ngaphandle kokutsala uChristian Bale. Uya kubonakala kubantu kangangoko unako. Uya kujoyina iqela lentlungu elibiziweyo Iqela lesidlo sangokuhlwa apho udibana namanye amadoda nabafazi abakwiminyaka yama-20 nengama-30 abaphulukene nomzali. Uyakufunda ukuba ukulila kunokuziva kulungile, ngakumbi xa ukwenziwa kude nomsebenzi. Uya kuyeka ukusela emva kokwenza uphando olubanzi malunga nokusabela phakathi kwewayini kunye nentlungu. Uya kuchitha iiyure uskena iifoto ezintle ezivela kwii-80s kunye nee-90s zosapho oluncinci olunokuthi. Uya kufumanisa ukuba usapho lwakho, ngoku oluncinci, lusenako. Uya kumenza utata wakho abe neqhayiya.
Kwiinyanga ezintandathu ezidlulileyo, bendinomhlangano omkhulu. Uhlobo lwentlanganiso olukuphaphamisa nge-6 kusasa ukubila okubandayo kunye nemvakalelo yokuba awuzange ulale ngokwenyani. Ndafika ngeyure kwangoko, ngokwendalo, ke ndaya kwi cafe ekufutshane. I was prepared, I had my hard drives, and they were great stuff on them, kodwa andinakukwazi ukushukumisa imvakalelo yokuba ndilibele into. Ndithe ndisahleli apho noxinzelelo ndisitya iqhekeza lekhekhe le chocolate, ndaye ndabona ukuba ndizive ngathi andikathethi notata, isithethe endasigcina phambi kwayo yonke intlanganiso enkulu. Khange ndikwazi ukuba nefowuni yokulungiselela kwangaphambili ngobusuku bangaphambi kokuya kumagama anokundiphumelela nantoni na. Ndandinazo kuphela iingcinga zam ezijikeleza entlokweni yam. Ndaziva ngathi ndiphulukene neAce yam enqanaweni, kwaye ukuba uyamazi utata wam, ndiyakuthembisa uyavuma.
Intlanganiso ihambe kakuhle. Ndiphume ndimangalisiwe kwaye ndaqonda ukuba unyaka kususwe usuku olunye ngaphambili bendiphumile entlanganisweni ne-HBO ndaya ngqo Inkqubo ye- INew York Times . Emva kwesivumelwano sophuhliso lweenyanga ezilithoba, i-HBO ithathe isigqibo sokukhanyisa ifilimu yam. Utata ebeme ngaphandle ephethe icuba kunye neselfowuni. Uye wajonga phezulu wathi, I gotta call you back, my kid's here. Ndamxelela iindaba ezimnandi, kwaye wancuma olona hlobo lubi lokutya: bendiyazi. Ngaphakathi, abantu abasebenza naye beza kuye ukuze baxoxe, kodwa wayengabavumeli ukuba baqale ngaphambi kokuba bazi: U-Erin apha wayelayishwe nje yi-HBO. Ngelo xesha, kwakungekho maphepha asayiniweyo, ngenxa yoko ndandingaqinisekanga ukuba lelona nyathelo lilungileyo na ukuqala ukuxelela oonondaba INew York Times . Utata wayendithulisa xa ndizama ukuphalaza ixhala lam.
Kunyaka nosuku kamva, ndabuya neendaba ezimnandi. Ndahamba ndaya Inkqubo ye- INew York Times kwaye uhlebeze iindaba zam ezilungileyo ngokuvakalayo. Akukho mntu undivileyo, ewe. Ndalila — kunzima. Ndandingenantloni. Ndandisondele ekubeni ngumntu owabonwa nguTata xa wayendincumela: umntu obekhona kuphela ngenxa yokulwa nentlekele, osindileyo kumlo ngenxa yokuzithemba kwakhe kum, kwaye ngubani ofunde ukuba kulungile ukuthatha umzuzwana ukubhiyozela , nokuba ikhontrakthi ayityikitywanga kwaye iziphumo aziqinisekanga. Kukho kuphela amaxesha amaninzi ebomini, kunjalo.
Enkosi, Tata. Ndiyakukhumbula.
U-Erin Lee Carr ngumenzi bhanyabhanya kabani Ukuphanda iNet iya kuqala kwi-HBO. Mlandele kwi-Twitter @erinleecarr
