(Ifoto: Ale Art / Flickr) Iingxaki zobudlelwane. Wonke umntu unazo. Kwaye ngamanye amaxesha unayo ngaphezulu nangaphezulu.
Uninzi lwabantu abanika iingcebiso abalwazi uphando . Ke ziphi iimpendulo zokwenyani?
Ndigqibe kwelokuba ndibize ingcali: uGqirha John Gottman.
Usenokumkhumbula njengomphandi kaMalcolm Gladwell Qhwanyaza ngubani, emva kwemizuzu nje embalwa, anokuqikelela ukuba isibini siza kuphelisa umtshato.
UJohn ngunjingalwazi ophuma kwiYunivesithi yaseWashington kunye nomseki-mbumba weziko laseGottman. Upapashe amaphepha angaphezu kwe-190 kwaye wabhala ngaphezu kweencwadi ezingama-40, kubandakanya U-Principia Amoris: INzululwazi eNtsha yoThando , Imigaqo esixhenxe yokwenza umtshato usebenze , kunye Unyango lobuhlobo: Isikhokelo esili-5 sokomeleza umtshato wakho, usapho kunye nobuhlobo . Ungumfo opholileyo ngokwenene. UJohn uzuze ukuqonda okunamandla ngokufunda izibini eziphumelelayo (ezibiza ngokuba ziiMasters) kunye nezibini ezingazenziyo (ezibiza ngokuba ziNtlekele).
Ke uzakufunda ntoni apha?
- Izinto ezine ezonakalisa ubudlelwane.
- Izinto ezintathu ezithi thintela ezo zinto zine.
- Elona candelo libalulekileyo kuyo nayiphi na incoko yobudlelwane.
- Oyena mntu uqikelela ukuba ulwalamano luyasebenza na. (Kulula kakhulu ukuba ungayenza ngokwakho ngemizuzu emibini.)
Ngaba ufuna ukuba yinkosi hayi intlekele? Makhe sifike kuyo.
Abakhweli bamahashe abane boLwalamano lweApocalypse
# 1: Ukugxekwa
Kulapho umntu akhomba iqabane lakhe aze athi ubuntu okanye isimilo sakhe yingxaki. Nanku uYohane:
Ukugxekwa kukubeka ingxaki kubudlelwane njengempazamo yomlinganiswa. IiMasters zenze okwahlukileyo: zikhomba kubo ngomnwe kwaye banendlela ethambileyo yokuqalisa ingxoxo, ukunciphisa ingxaki nokuthetha ngezinto abazivayo kunye nezinto abazifunayo.
Manenekazi, niyamamela? Kuba ukugxekwa yinto eyenziwa ngabafazi kakhulu kunamadoda. (Sukuba nexhala, siza kufikelela kwindlela abafana abajija ngayo ngokukhawuleza ngokwaneleyo.)
# 2: Ukuzikhusela
Oku kuphendula kwimicimbi yobudlelwane ngokuchasana okanye ukukhwina. Nanku uYohane:
Umkhweli wehashe lesibini yayikukuzikhusela okuyimpendulo yendalo ekugxekweni. Kuthatha iindlela ezimbini: ukulwa okanye ukwenza njengexhoba elimsulwa kunye nokukhala. Kwakhona, iiMasters zazihluke kakhulu kwanaxa iqabane labo laligxeka. Baye bakwamkela ukugxekwa, okanye bathatha uxanduva ngenxalenye yengxaki. Athi, Thetha nam, ndifuna ukuva ukuba uziva njani ngalento.
# 3: Ukudelela
NguNombolo 1 oqikelela ukwahlukana. Udelelo lusebenza ngokungathi ungumntu ongcono kunabo. Nanku uYohane:
Ukujongela phantsi ukuthetha phantsi kumaqabane abo. Ukunyelisa okanye ukwenza into ephezulu. Ayichazanga nje kuphela ukuqhekeka kobudlelwane, kodwa yaxela kwangaphambili inani lezifo ezosulelayo ezazinokudelelwa ngulowo wamdelelayo kwiminyaka emine ezayo xa sasilinganisa impilo.
# 4: Ukuqingqwa kwamatye
Iyacima okanye ivula ngaphandle. Ngokuxela uxelela iqabane lakho, andikhathali. Kwaye iipesenti ezingama-85 zexesha ngabafana abenza oku.
(Ngaba ufuna ukwazi indlela emfutshane yokwenza ubudlelwane obunzulu kunye neqabane elithandanayo? Cofa Apha .)
Kulungile, yile nto ibulala ubudlelwane. Ngokwendalo, ufuna ukwazi ukuba yintoni emisa ezo zinto ukuba zenzeke, akunjalo?
Izinto ezi-3 ezenza abakhweli bamahashe bahambe kakuhle
Ukusuka ekujongeni iiMasters, uJohn wabona ukuba yintoni ethintele ukwehla kokuhla kwamahashe amane:
# 1: Yazi iqabane lakho
UJohn ubiza esi sakhiwo luthando lweemephu. Yinto yokwazi iqabane lakho ngaphakathi nangaphandle. Yayenye yezona mfihlo zinamandla zeMasters. Nanku uYohane:
Imephu yothando ifana nemephu yendlela oyenzayo kwilizwe langaphakathi lengqondo leqabane lakho. IiMasters bezisoloko zibuza imibuzo malunga neqabane lazo kwaye zichaza neenkcukacha zazo ngeziqu zazo.
Kutheni kunqabile nje oku? Kuthatha ixesha. Kwaye iintlekele azange zichithe elo xesha. Ngapha koko, uninzi lwezibini azichithi ixesha elininzi.
UJohn ucaphule kwisifundo esibonisa izibini ezinabantwana zithetha malunga nemizuzu engama-35 ngeveki. Ewe, imizuzu engama-35.
Kwaye uninzi lwayo yayizinto zokuhamba nje- Uyakubakhona nini ?; Ungalibali ukuthatha ubisi.- hayi izinto ezinzulu zobuqu ezinje ngeMasters.
# 2: Ukuphendula ngokuqinisekileyo kwiibhidi
Hayi, oku akunanto yakwenza ne-eBay. Sonke sihlala sisenza iibhidi ezincinci ukuba ziqwalaselwe liqabane lethu.
Uthetha into kwaye ufuna ukuba baphendule. Ukuzibandakanya. Kungaba lula njengokutsho, Usuku olumnandi, akunjalo?
Iphantse yafana nomdlalo wevidiyo: xa umntu ephendula ngokuqinisekileyo (ejikela kwibhidi) ulwalamano lwakho lufumana inqaku.
Xa bengaphenduli, okanye baphendule ngokungalunganga, ubudlelwane bulahlekelwa yingongoma… okanye ezintlanu. Nanku uYohane:
Izibini ezaqhawula umtshato kwiminyaka emithandathu kamva zaziphethele kwiibhidi kuphela iipesenti ezingama-33 zexesha. Esi sibini sahlala sitshatile sasijike kwiibhidi ezingama-86 zexesha. Umahluko omkhulu.
Izibini ezinamanqaku aphezulu zakha ulwalamano kubulungisa. Bayakwazi ukulungisa iingxaki. Bayakwazi ukuhleka bancume naxa bexabana. Kwaye oko kwenza umahluko omkhulu. Nanku uYohane:
Ukuba ujika kwiibhidi ngexabiso eliphezulu, ufumana uburharha ngexesha lengxabano. Uburharha bunamandla kakhulu kuba bunciphisa ukuvuswa komzimba ngexesha lokuphikisana kwaye oko kuye kwaphindaphindwa kwizifundo ezininzi.
# 3: bonisa ukuncoma
Ngaba ukhe umamele umntu ophambene ngothando ethetha ngeqabane lakhe? Zivakala ngathi ziyinkohliso. Benza njengomnye umntu ligorha. Ingcwele.
Kwaye uphando ibonisa oko kugqibelele. Iimasters zibona iqabane labo njenge ngcono kunokuba ngokwenene zinjalo. Iintlekele zibona amaqabane abo njenge kakubi kunokuba ngokwenene zinjalo.
(Ngakumbi kwisayensi ye-sexy, cofa Apha .)
Ukunconywa kumalunga nebali ozixelela lona malunga neqabane lakho. Kwaye oko kusikhokelela kwindlela yokuqikelela ukuba ingaba ubudlelwane bakho buyasebenza…
Oyena mqikeleli wendlela olungileyo ngayo ulwalamano
Unokwenza oku ngokwakho: ukuba umntu akubuze ngembali yobudlelwane bakho. Loluphi uhlobo lwebali olibalisayo?
Xa iqabane lakho lichaza ubudlelwane bakho nabanye, luhlobo luni lwebali abalibalisayo?
Ngaba ibali liyazinciphisa izinto ezimbi kwaye zibhiyozele izinto ezintle? Ngaba yenze ukuba omnye umntu avakale kamnandi?
Okanye ngaba yayihlala kokungalunganga? Ngaba ithethile ngento eyenziwe sisidenge kule veki ayilunganga kwaphela?
Eli bali lilula kuthi lixela ukuba loluphi ulwalamano oluphumelelayo nolusilelayo. Nanku uYohane:
Ukuxela kwethu kwangaphambili ngekamva lobudlelwane kwavela kwibali lesibini kuthi. Luhlala lutshintsha uvavanyo lokugqibela lolwalamano kunye neempawu zomlingane wakho. Abanye abantu babeliphuhlisa ibali kuthi elalingalunganga apho babezichaza khona zonke iingxaki kubudlelwane. Bayigxininisa ngokwenene into ebilahlekile. IiMasters zenze ngokuchaseneyo: bazinciphisile iimpawu ezimbi esinazo sonke kwaye bayazixabisa iimpawu ezintle zamaqabane abo. Bakhulisa umbulelo endaweni yengqumbo.
(Ngakumbi malunga nolu phando luthi lwenza uthando luhlale, cofa Apha .)
Ngaba kukho inxenye yencoko yobudlelwane ebaluleke kakhulu? Ngokwenyani ikho.
Elona candelo libalulekileyo kwincoko yobudlelwane
Kusisiqalo. Amashumi asithoba anesithandathu eepesenti zexesha uJohn anokuqikelela isiphumo sencoko kwimizuzu emithathu yokuqala. Nanku uYohane:
Ukungakhathaleli kuyazondla kwaye kwenza incoko ihlale ingalunganga. Sikwenze iminyaka esixhenxe yophando ngendlela iiMasters ezilungisa ngayo ukungakhathali. Enye yezona zinto zinamandla kukuthetha Hayi, ayilotyala lakho lonke, ndiyazi ukuba le nto ndim. Makhe sithethe ngento endiyiyo kunye nento oyiyo. Ukwamkela uxanduva kukhulu ngokulungiswa.
Uziqala njani ezo ngxoxo zinzulu zobudlelwane ayithethi nje ukuba incoko ihamba njani-ikwathelekisa uqhawulo-mtshato emva kweminyaka emithandathu sitshatile.
Ukuhamba U-Principia Amoris: INzululwazi eNtsha yoThando :
… Iqhubekile nokuqikelela ngokuchaneka kakhulu ikamva labo kwisithuba seminyaka emi-6. Uqikelelo esilwenzileyo malunga nekamva lezibini ezibanjelwe kwizifundo ezisixhenxe ezahlukeneyo, bazibambela abantu abatshatileyo kunye nabesini esifanayo, kwaye bazibamba ngalo lonke ixesha lobomi.
Ke uyathetha kwaye uqala ngokuqinisekileyo kwaye uzolile. Kakhulu. Ngoku kufuneka uyeke ukuthetha. Ngoba?
Xa ndabuza uJohn ukuba yeyiphi eyona nto intle ukuyenza ukuphucula ubudlelwane wathi, Funda ukuba ngumphulaphuli olungileyo .
IiMasters ziyakwazi ukumamela. Xa amaqabane abo enengxaki, bayilahla yonke into kwaye bamamele ngaphandle kokuzikhusela ngovelwano. Nanku uYohane:
Kubudlelwane obubi kakhulu abantu bayanxibelelana, usana xa usentlungwini, xa ungonwabanga, xa usiva, andizukubakho. Ujongana nayo wedwa, fumana omnye umntu oza kuthetha naye kuba andikuthandi ukungakhathali kwakho. Ndixakekile, ndibandakanyeke ngokwenene ebantwaneni, ndibandakanyeke ngokwenene emsebenzini wam. Ngelixa iiMasters zinemodeli, Xa ungonwabanga, nokuba ikunye nam, ilizwe liyayeka kwaye ndimamele.
Kwaye ngamanye amaxesha eyona nto intle ukuyenza ekuqaleni kwengxabano yobudlelwane kukuphelisa kwangoko. Ngoba?
Amashumi amathandathu anesithoba eepesenti zeengxaki zesibini azingapheliyo. Azisayi kusonjululwa.
Ukubetha ihashe elifileyo, ukucela umntu ukuba atshintshe ngokusisiseko ukuba ngubani akazukusebenza-kodwa kuya kubenza babe nomsindo. Nanku uYohane:
Kwizifundo esazenzayo mna noBob Levenson, sibuyise izibini elabhini qho emva kweminyaka ukufumanisa ukuba baphikisana ngantoni. Kwaye abantu basombulula malunga neepesenti ezingama-31 kuphela zokungavisisani kwabo. Ungahlela ezi vidiyo kunye kwaye kujongeka ngathi yincoko efanayo ngaphezulu nangaphezulu kweminyaka engama-22. Iimasters zifunda ukwamkela ezingazukutshintsha kwaye zijolise kokuhle. Kubonakala ngathi bathi, Zininzi izinto ezintle apha kwaye ndingazihoya izinto ezicaphukisayo.
(Ngakumbi malunga nendlela yokumamela njengengcali, cofa Apha .)
Kulungile, zizinto ezininzi ezintle. Masikhe siyijikeleze sigqibe ngento eyathethwa nguJohn endichukumise kakhulu.
Shwankathela
Nantsi into eyathethwa nguJohn:
- Izinto ezine ezibulala ubudlelwane: Ukugxeka, ukuzikhusela, indelelo kunye nokuchithwa kwamatye.
- Izinto ezintathu ezibathintelayo: Yazi iqabane lakho, phendula ngokuqinisekileyo kwiibhidi kwaye ulincome iqabane lakho.
- Owona mqikelelo ubalaseleyo kwimpumelelo yobudlelwane yindlela wena neqabane lakho onibaxelela ngayo ibali lakho kuthi.
- Ukuqala kwencoko kubalulekile. Iimpawu ezingathandekiyo. Gcina intloko epholileyo kwaye uxhathise i-inertia yeemvakalelo.
Inye into yokugqibela endikhuphe ngokwenene: yintoni eyenza ubudlelwane obonwabileyo buvakala kakhulu ngathi yintoni eyenza ulonwabo ngokubanzi.
Uphando lubonisa, abantu abonwabileyo khangela izinto ezintle kwaye unombulelo ngazo . Abantu abangonwabanga bafumana okungalunganga kuyo yonke into.
Kukho amandla afanayo afanayo kubudlelwane: Iimasters zivavanya ulwalamano lwazo ngezinto ezilungileyo, iintlekele zihlala zijonga izinto ezimbi.
Kwaye ayisiyiyo loo nto kuphela-indlela yeeMasters yokujonga umhlaba iyinyani Kaninzi ichanekile. Nanku uYohane:
Abantu abanalo mkhwa mbi wengqondo baphosa ama-50 eepesenti enethemba lokuba abo babonayo bangaphandle. Ke umkhwa oqinisekileyo wengqondo uchanekile ngakumbi. Ukuba unomkhwa ongalunganga wengqondo, uya kugqwetha kwizinto ezimbi kwaye awuboni ezakhayo. Abantu abanomkhwa oqinisekileyo wengqondo, ayikuko ukuba abayiboni into engalunganga-bayayibona, bayayibona-kodwa bayagxininisa ngokwenyani ngokubhekisele kwimpembelelo kubo. Lowo ngumahluko.
Khetha ukubona okuhle. Inokubangela i-Cascade:
- Kungumbane webali lakho elilungileyo kuthi.
- Ngokuqinisekileyo uya kuqala iincoko zobudlelwane kwinqaku elungileyo.
- Uyakulithanda iqabane lakho.
- Ukuqhubeka ...
Ezinye zezinto ezifanayo ezikwenza wonwabe zinokuphucula ubudlelwane bakho-kwaye kungenjalo. Yintoni engcono kunaleyo?
Mna noJohn sathetha ngaphezulu kweyure, ke kuninzi okungakumbi koku.
Ndiza kuthumela iPDF kunye nezinye iingcebiso zakhe zobudlelwane kwi imeyile yam yeveki (kubandakanya amagama amabini anokunceda ekwenzeni iimpikiswano zichithe.) Ke ukuze ufumane loo nto, bhalisela i-imeyile yam yeveki nganye Apha .
U-Eric Barker ngumbhali we Ukukhonkotha umthi ongalunganga: Isayensi eyothusayo emva kwayo yonke into oyaziyo malunga nempumelelo (ubukhulu becala) ayilunganga . Kuboniswe uEric phakathi Inkqubo ye- INew York Times , Inkqubo ye- Ijenali yeWall Street , Iphephancwadi elinentambo kwaye Imagazini yexesha . Ubaleka nayo Ukukhonkotha umthi ongalunganga blog. Joyina ababhalisile abangama-145,000 kunye kunye nokufumana uhlaziyo lwasimahla lweveki Apha .
