‘Amaxesha ayatshintsha,’ usenokunyanzelisa. ‘Abafazi abafuni ukuba ngama-line!’ Kodwa ababhityileyo basatsalela umnxeba.Imifanekiso kaGetty Ndityebile.
Ndizamile kwiqela lamalokhwe amadala ngenye imini kwaye ayalingana, kodwa ayomelele, kubonakala ngathi. Andazi.
Njengoko ndazama i-blouse yam entsha ka-Agnes B ukuba ndiyenzele umama, ndammisela ukusilela.
Ndicinga ukuba ndizuze iiponti ezintlanu, akunjalo?
Hayi, watsho umama, ubukeka umkhulu.
Kodwa yonke into iqinile.
Ndiyathetha, ukuba kukho nantoni na mhlawumbi iiponti ezimbini?
Ke ndiye ndatyeba?
Ukhangeleka ungcono kunakuqala, umama wazama.
Ukusukela nini ucinga?
Andazi. Mhlawumbi okoko uphumile. Okanye kweli hlobo?
Ke ndiye ndatyeba.
Ungayisusa ngeveki.
Ndiya-odola kakhulu ngoku, ndazigxeka, kufuneka ndiqale ukupheka.
Uphilile. Uyavuya. Ulwalamano.
Ndiye ndathamba. Ndiye ndatyeba. Ndiye ndonqena.
Sukuhlekisa, waphikisa. Ke, ukuba kukho nantoni na, ndingalahla iponti okanye ezimbini.
***
Ndibuze i-Physical Therapist yam. Ngaba ucinga ukuba ndibhitye?
Ndicinga ukuba ungumfazi ophilileyo, ofanelekileyo. Kutheni ufuna ukubhitya?
Usempilweni? Eqhelekileyo? Andifuni ukuba phakathi. Ndifuna ukubhitya.
Sakha izihlunu ngasemva kwakho kunye nokuqaqamba. Unobunzima obungakumbi. Yinto entle kakhulu leyo.
Ewe, ndiyayiguqula ingalo yam yomeleleyo, ndomelele.
She high fives me kuba kumnandi enjalo. Kwaye uyazi, umsipha ngumnyama omtsha.
***
Ngesinye isihlandlo ndandinenyumoniya inyanga kwaye ndandingakwazi ukuphefumla okanye ukutya okanye ukuthetha kodwa iiselfie zam zazilungile. Izambatho zixhonywe emzimbeni wam, indlela ekufanele ukuba zenziwe ngayo, indlela ezenza ngayo kwiimodeli zeenqwelomoya nakwiimagazini.
Rhuma kwiNcwadana yeNkcazo yemihla ngemihla
Ndandimdaka kakhulu, ndimncinci kakhulu, ndibhityile ngokuhlekisayo, ndandingcono kunawe. Ndandingcono kunam.
Iyatshintsha! unganyanzelisa. Jonga uKim K., uSerena Williams, uAshley Graham okanye uIskra. Bafumene izigidi zabalandeli be-Instagram. Abasetyhini abafuni ukuba zishwankathelo! Kodwa ubhityile usafowuna.
Uyonyanyisa. Ndlala, njakazi.
***
IAnorexia yayingonwabisi. Iintlungu ezininzi zesisu. Isondlo besingafikeleli kwimisipha yam kwaye bendizilolonga kakhulu kangangokuba izicwili zam ezidibeneyo zazikrazula. Okanye into enjalo.
Ukuma kwimoto ehamba ngaphantsi komhlaba kwakubuhlungu, ngokunjalo nokuhlala. Ngalo lonke ixesha uloliwe emisa kwaye eqala kwakungathi yiglasi eyaphukileyo isika ngaphakathi kwam emiphakathini nasemilenzeni yam. Ndingathanda grimace.
Kodwa bendikwiphepha elipheleleyo elisasazekileyo Imagazini eyi-17! Kabini. Kwaye iarhente yam yayifuna ukundithumela eParis! Abazali bam babengandivumeli ukuba ndihambe, kodwa umhlobo wam waya. Ndandinomona kakhulu ngaye. Yintoni adventure. Ukhule njani. Uthando kangakanani!
EParis umhlobo wam wadlwengulwa yiarhente yakhe. Wayeneminyaka elishumi elinesithandathu.
Ndabhukisha umsebenzi wokuprinta eMiami. Ndafaka incwadi yam enzima ye-A.P. Kwimbali. Ndiyakhumbula oku kuba ngelixa ndifunda iRococo, sabethwa sisiphithiphithi kwaye ndandingafuni ukufa ndisendleleni eya kumsebenzi wokumodela.
Omnye umhlobo wam, uMilly, wayebhukishe kwa lo msebenzi. Mna noMilly sasibahlobo kangangeminyaka. Wayehlile emzimbeni kakhulu — ndandichukumisekile. Inokuba ubengu zero zero okanye mncinci.
Sifike eMiami ezinzulwini zobusuku. Kwakuyihotele epinki enemithi yesundu. UMilly wayelambile. Uye waphefumla isiqwenga se salmon. Wayengekatyi ngale mini, kungoko wayenokufumana isohlwayo.
Kwakundicaphukisa ukungakwazi kwakhe ukuzibamba. Ndabona kungcono ndisasaze ukutya. Ndandinayo entlokweni yam ukuba le protein ikwenze watyeba. Utata wayedla ngokwenza intlanzi ngesidlo sangokuhlwa kwaye bendisusa yona kwipleyiti yam okanye ndiyifihle phantsi kwesiqwengana seletisi. Emva koko ngokuhlwa, ndedwa, bendikhe ndibambe igranola, iiamangile kunye neyogathi eqandisiweyo engenamafutha. Kwisidlo sasemini, bendidla ngokutya i-bagel kodwa kunye nebhotolo yamandongomane.
Bendingafuni ukuya exesheni. Ndathanda ukuyishiya kude kube li-18.
Bendingafuni ukudlula ebusheni kuba ndicinga ukuba amabele kunye nehips kunye neenwele ze-pubic ziyacekiseka. Andizange ndiyiqonde kaJudy Blume Ngaba Ukhona UThixo? Ndim uMargaret kwaye loo mgca, kufuneka ndenze ukwanda kwam.
Ngubani owayefuna amabele? Kum zazizibhola zenyama ezazibanjwa ngamadoda okanye ubuncinci ezazifuna. Bendiya kuzingela amagxa am. Akukho namnye owakhe wandixelela ukuba bayinto entle.
Bendilungiselele umboniso weVersace. Kwafuneka ndizame ibhulukhwe kwaye ndihambe kangangoko ndinako ukwehla kwindlela yokubaleka. Ndandingumdlali odlala emkhenkceni owayesakuba ngumdlali wasemkhenkceni — ndandisazi ntoni ngekati? Ngenyathelo ngalinye, ukuphakamisa imilenze yam ndaziva ndihlaba iintlungu, mhlawumbi kwi-hip flexors yam okanye kwimisipha yam ye-psoas. Kwakukho amalungu omzimba amaninzi angaziwayo.
Ekhaya ndangqengqa phantsi, isinqe sibuhlungu. Ndandiqinisekile ukuba ndenziwe gwenxa. Ukusuka phantsi, ndazisa kubazali bam, ndiza kuba yimodeli ephezulu. UVerace uyandithanda!
Ndicinga ukuba babecinga ukuba ndandi-smug. Kodwa ndandisoyika. Ndandivaleleke ngaphakathi emzimbeni odakumbileyo. Besele ndiyazi ukuba ukumodela kuphelile.
***
Ndaya ekholejini. Kuqhelaniso bekukho zonke iintlobo zemisebenzi yolonwabo evakala ngathi iyisidenge. Khange ndishiye igumbi lam lokulala ndaye ndaxelela abazali bam ukuba bandikhuphe eVassar kwangoko.
Ndaya eZoloft kwaye emva kweentsuku ezimbalwa, ndaziva into eyahlukileyo, phantse ngathi deja vu. Ngaba yayilulonwabo? Kwisithuba seenyanga ezimbini ndadibana nesithandwa sam sokuqala, ndalahlekelwa bubuntombi bam ndaza ndatya ipitsa ngo-2 ekuseni Ubomi kwakufanele ukuba buphile.
Ngoku ndandinobukhulu 8. Mhlawumbi ndafumana iiponti ezingamashumi amabini. Elo hlobo ndalilungelelanisa, ndenza uhlobo. Andikwazi ukugcina kude nayo. Ndandifuna ukuba ngumntu othile.
Kwathiwa mandinciphise umzimba. Ke ndaya kwicandelo lika-Wilhelmina's-size-size. Kwathiwa mandityebe. Kwakukho amantombazana ambalwa njengam — kanye phakathi. Kwakungekho mveliso kakhulu, ke ndiye ndaqala ukusebenza nesebe labo elibambeleyo.
Kunyaka ophakamileyo kwikholeji, ndibhukishe indawo yam yokuqala kumdlalo bhanyabhanya kaJohn Stamos. Yayingumboniso wesini. Emva komtshato, kwakufuneka ndihlale kwindlu yangasese elucingweni, ndingenazifuba xa nditshaya umdiza. Ndinemigca ethile. Ndiyalile indima. Ndandifuna ngokwenene ukuphumelela, ndandifuna ngokwenene ukuba kumboniso bhanyabhanya, kodwa andifuni ukuba ze.
Emva kwekholeji, umdlali weqonga kunye nomhlobo wandazisa kumphathi wakhe, ibhinqa eligama linguGregg. Undithumele kuvavanyo noWoody Allen. Ndaphinda ndafownelwa ndamenzela into enye. Ndadlala umfundi oselula owayethandana naye. Ndandihlala ndiphupha ngokuba kwiifilimu zakhe kuba ndandithanda EManhattan .
Enkosi ngokungena, utshilo uWoody Allen.
Oku kwakuphambi kwe- # MeToo. Kwakungaphambi kokuba ndibuze umbuzo webali. UGregg wakrokrelwa luludwe lwam, kwaye wayefuna ukuba ndidibane neqabane lakhe e-LA Wayemele uAlexis Bledel noLaura Prepon-Amaqela amakhulu.
Ndadibana neqabane likaGregg. Wayenesisu esikhulu kwaye emhle kakhulu. Wayebonakala onwabile ngokundimela.
Xa, ndabuyela eNew York, uGregg wandihlalisa phantsi. Ebenenyembezi emehlweni.
Ngamanye amaxesha ndiyalicaphukela eli shishini, wandixelela. Wayekuthanda kakhulu kwaye ufuna ukusebenza nawe, kodwa kuya kufuneka ulahle iiponti ezilishumi kuqala.
Owu, nditshilo.
Ndiyaxolisa, wandithatha ezandleni zakhe.
Ndingayenza loo nto, akukho ngxaki, ndiye ndazibamba iinyembezi.
***
Ndichithe amakhulu amahlanu eedola, imali bendingenayo, kwingcali yesondlo. Undixelele ukuba nditye i-yoghurt yama-yoghurt eninzi. Kwaye i-oatmeal. Okanye into. Ndatyeba.
Ndandineminyaka engama-22 okanye engama-23 kwaye ndandizokuphuma ndiye eBungalow 8 qho ebusuku. Ndandifuna ukulibala usuku kunye ne-apple martinis.
Ndadibana noDavid Blaine apho. Ndicinga ukuba sincamisene kuba bendisegumbini lakhe. Khange iye kude kakhulu. Ndingayikhumbula loo nto. Uthe kwakuhlaziya kakhulu ukuba kunye nentombazana eqhelekileyo eyayineejika kwaye ingekho enye imodeli ebhityileyo. Iimvakalelo zam zazibuhlungu.
Undinike incwadi ayithandayo. Wayegcina iikopi zayo ezininzi. Primo uLevi. Imalunga nokusinda kwi-Holocaust. Ndayifunda ndaza ndachukumiseka.
UDavid Blaine wahlawulwa ityala lokudlwengula. Kuyacaca ukuba wadlwengula imodeli ngexesha esidibana ngalo.
***
Ndandikwiphathi yovimba kwiiHamptons. Ndandihlala ndikunye nabantwana abazizityebi kodwa ndingaze ndibe sisityebi. Ndandiba ngudlalani nalo mfo, ndiyaqikelela, kwaye le ntombazana inoyise owaziwayo yathi, Yeka ukudlala ngothando. Andazi nokuba kutheni abafana bekuthanda. Utyebile kakhulu.
Ndathi, ayiyonto intle leyo ukuyithetha komnye umntu.
Waphakamisa amanqindi wathi, Ufuna ukulwa?
Andizukulwa nawe.
Intombazana enoyise owaziwayo yayinomninawa omncinci. Wayemhle. Wandijikisa ngasemva kweshedi wathi, Ndifuna ukukuncamisa.
Ndamxelela ukuba usemncinci kakhulu. Undixelele ukuba uyabathanda abantu abadala. Wayeneminyaka elishumi elinesixhenxe kuphela. Kwiminyaka kamva, wayethandana nomzekelo omkhulu kakhulu. Ndikhe ndizithelekise naye. Usemhle kakhulu.
***
Ndaya kubabukeli besisindo e-Union Square xa ndandineminyaka engamashumi amabini anesithathu. U-Lenore ukhokela iqela. Undixelele ukuba andisindi ngokwaneleyo ukujoyina, kodwa ke ndema esikalini watshintsha ingqondo. Ndilinganise ngo-149. Ndacinga ukuba ndiza kuphosa phezulu.
Ndandidlamkile. Ndingatya amanqaku angama-20 ngosuku ngamanqaku ambalwa okukhohlisa kunye namanqaku ongezelelweyo omthambo. Into yokuqala endiyenzileyo kukusika utywala ndaza ndalahla iiponti ezilishumi kwangoko.
I-Muffin: thabatha amanqaku ama-3, ikofu: inqaku eli-1, iipecans: 1.5 amanqaku, iidiliya: inqaku eli-1, umthambo: fumana amanqaku ama-2 ongezelelweyo.
Ndandizithanda iintlanganiso. Ndiyamthanda uLenore. Wayethetha ngendlela azithanda ngayo ii-cookies.
Ukwehla kobunzima ngumnqwazi omdala. Kwisithuba seenyanga ezine ndiphulukene neeponti ezingama-25. ULenore wayenexhala ngam ndayeka ukuya kubabukeli besisindo.
Kungekudala emva koko, ndabaleka ndaya kwintombazana kunye notata owaziwayo kumsitho.
Uye wathi, ndiyaxolisa ngale nto ndiyithethileyo kuwe, kodwa ndicinga ukuba iyasebenza nyani. Ubonakala umhle kakhulu.
Ndimvumele ukuba athathe ityala lokuncipha kwam emzimbeni.
Ndixelelwe ngabaninzi ukuba ngoku ndandibhityile, ndibhityile, ndibhityile, ndimncinci, ndimncinci, ndimncinci,nantoni na, ndinokuba nethuba lokwenyani lokuyenza eHollywood. Ndandineminyaka engama-25.
Ndaya ke eHollywood.
***
Khange ndizilinganise kwiminyaka esixhenxe. Oko ndandineminyaka engamashumi amathathu.
Isithandwa sam kunye nam siqala ukwenza ukutya okuphekiweyo ekhaya. Ukuqala kwakhe ukwenza i-salmon waphantse wavuthela ekhitshini. Ukunyaniseka, bekukho igrisi endala emazantsi ehovini.
Kodwa okwesibini ngeenxa zonke, wenza ikhowudi kwaye yayingummangaliso. Wayengonwabanga kakhulu yindlela endandisondela ngayo egxalabeni lakhe. (Ndingumpheki wesihlalo esingasemva.) Kodwa ke kwakhona, wabeka iziqholo ezininzi kangaka entlanzini.
Ndibilise iartichokes. Umntu endiza kutshata naye wayengazange wayitya i-artichoke ebilisiweyo ngaphambili, ndiye ndambonisa indlela yokukhuhla inyama ngegqabi ngamazinyo akhe. Emva koko ndakhupha umqala ngecephe. Intliziyo yayiyeyona ndawo ayithandayo. Yeyam nayo.
Ndaziva ndihluthi. Ndaziva ndiphilile. Ndaziva ndonwabile.
Ndinqwenela ukuba ngendingazange ndibe neanorexic. Ndiziva ndiphilile. Ndiziva ndonwabile. Ndiziva ngathi ndifuna ukuphulukana neeponti ezimbini. Ndiziva ndonwabile. Ndiziva ngathi ndifuna ukuphulukana neeponti ezimbini.
(Mhlawumbi ezintlanu. )
Ndiziva ndonwabile.
Ndinqwenela ukuba ngendingazange ndibe neanorexic.
***
Ndinqwenela ukuba ngendingazange ndibe neanorexic. Yenza umonakalo omkhulu ongenakulungiswa kumzimba wam kunye nenkqubo yovalo.
Ndinqwenela ukuba umama angafuni kuphulukana neponti okanye ezimbini. Umhle kakhulu kwaye ulungile. Ndinqwenela umntu endandithandana naye engazange nakanye andixelele eshaweni, Ujongeka ngathi uzuze iiponti ezintathu. Ndinqwenela ukuba umphathi e-LA onesisu esikhulu angandixeleli ukuba ndilahle iiponti ezilishumi. Ndinqwenela ukuba ndingamphulaphuli. Ndinqwenela ukuba izifundo zingabonisi ukuba ngaphezulu kwe Iipesenti ezingama-80 zabasetyhini eMelika Babengonelisekanga yimizimba yabo. Ndinqwenela ngaphezulu kwe- Izigidi ezilishumi zabafazi eMelika babengenangxaki yokutya. Ndinqwenela ukuba yonke imizuzu emi-2 umfazi wase-US angadlwengulwa. Ndinqwenela ukuba ndingaze ndahlaselwa ngokwesondo. Ndinqwenela ukuba ndithande ngokupheleleyo kwaye ndiwamkele umzimba wam. Ndinqwenela ukuba uRoe vs. Wade angabi sengozini. Ndinqwenela ukuba umongameli angabinayo i-tweet, andithandabuzi ukuba, ukuba uhlaselo lukaGqirha Ford belulubi njengoko esitsho, izityholo bezizakufakwa ngoko nangoko kunyanzeliso-mthetho lwasekhaya…
Umfazi kwavela ngobambo lomntu.
Ukuba wayenxibe isiketi esifutshane, wayeyicela.
Yitya indlala kwisini sakho. Ndlala ubufazi bakho.
Kutheni le nto abahlobo bam abaninzi bezilambisa? Sonke sasifuna ukuba ngumntu othile. Kutheni le nto kuye kwafuneka sinciphise umzimba ukuze sifike apho?
Ukuba abafazi banolawulo ngakumbi kwimizimba yabo, Ukuba abafazi banolawulo ngakumbi kwezopolitiko, Ukuba abafazi banolawulo ngakumbi kumajelo eendaba, Ukuba abafazi banolawulo ngakumbi kwezemali, Ukuba abafazi banolawulo ngakumbi kwifashoni, Ukuba abafazi banolawulo ngakumbi eHollywood, ukuba abafazi banolawulo ngakumbi kunyanzeliso lomthetho…
Ukuba abafazi babenolawulo olungaphezulu…
Ngaba ndingaphinda ndibanjwe ndizama ukuphulukana neso pondo okanye ezimbini?
