I-Fat Pig kaNeil LaBute ngokusisiseko intombazana etyebileyo, uHelen, kunye nomfana omncinci onomtsalane, uTom, owela eluthandweni kwaye konke kuphelela kwiinyembezi.
Amantombazana atyebe ngokugqithisileyo ayamkelekanga eluntwini. Kwaye ke, ndixelelwa, banamantombazana atyebe kancinci. Leliphi ilizwe, eh? I-slobs ezityebileyo ezingamadoda zilungile, kodwa ke owasetyhini makonwabele isilayi sepizza okanye ezimbini kwaye iphelile. Kodwa uMnu LaBute, odlala imidlalo edume ngokujongana nemixholo engathandekiyo ehlala ibandakanya abantu abakhohlakeleyo, utyhila ubumnene, ububele apha. Ukhule ngendlela eyoyikisayo.
UHelen noTom bashiyeke belila elunxwemeni ekugqibeleni. Bakumcimbi wolwandle weofisi, wezinto zonke, kwaye uTom ufihle uHelen kwisinxibo sakhe sokuhlamba kubahlobo bakhe, bonke ababhityileyo. Ekugqibeleni, uTom uxelele uHelen obethekileyo, ndicinga ukuba ungumfazi omangalisayo, ndiyenza ngokunyanisekileyo. Ndiyayithanda nyani into esinayo apha, kodwa ngokungxama uyarhola ingcinezelo yoontanga kwaye uyabuphelisa ubudlelwane. Ekupheleni, usezinyembezini ngenxa yokungaziphathi kakuhle, kwaye ulihlwempu, uswiti, utyebe kakhulu uHelen usezinyembezini kuba, akunjalo?
UMnu LaBute ubhale i-opera yakhe yokuqala. Eyona nto yandothusa kakhulu ngomdlalo, kodwa kukuba akukho nto indothusileyo. Ndifanele ndongeze ngokufanelekileyo ukuba oogxa bam batyholile malunga nemfutshane, i-80 yemizuzu yeFat pig nokuba imveliso egqwesileyo kaJo Bonney yandisiwe eLucille Lortel Theatre edolophini. Ukuba awukwazi ukungena, unokuhlala uzama i-Hairspray.
I-Hairspray yiFat Pig enesiphelo esonwabisayo. Kumculo obanzi, intombazana etyebileyo iba ngukumkanikazi we-prom, ewe, kwaye uyayifumana inkwenkwe kuba xa konke kusitsho kwaye kutyiwe, Ubuhle Buphakathi. Inkwenkwezi ethandekayo, yoqobo yase-Hairspray, eyona inkulu kakhulu kwaye imfutshane uMarissa Jaret Winokur, ophumelele uTony, waya kudlala indima ekhethekileyo kumabonakude ndikonwabele kakhulu ngomfazi othandekayo, omkhulu kakhulu kwaye omfutshane oba yindlovukazi kwaye afumane inkwenkwe kuba Ubuhle Buphakathi.
Ngendlela yakhe, uMnu LaBute usithumela umyalezo ofanayo. Kodwa unxibe umdlalo wakhe up-pseudo-hipness. Indawo yokutyela apho uTom adibana khona noHelen iqhelekile; umculo phakathi kweziqendu ezimfutshane ushushu; UTom kunye nabasebenza naye eofisini ziindidi zabaphathi ezipholileyo, nangona into abayenzayo ingachazwanga. (Bafaka izinto kwiifayile kwaye baxabana kakhulu malunga nokutyeba xa kuthelekiswa nokucekeceke). Kodwa umdlalo ngokwawo unokuba ngumdlalo weTV weveki.
Sele kunjalo. Ekundisindiseni kwiFX, isicima mlilo sithandana nentombazana etyebileyo eyadlalwa ngu-Ashlie Atkinson, naye odlala intombazana etyebileyo kwiFat Pig-kuphela ukuba ahlekiswe ngokungenanceba ngabafana abanee-jibes zakhe eziphazamisayo. Kuya kufuneka silinde ukufumanisa ukuba umi ngothando lwakhe lwe-chubby. Musa ukubheja kuyo.
Ndiphantse ndilibale ngomsebenzi wobugcisa uShallow Hal, apho uGwyneth Paltrow wayenxibe isuti enamafutha. Kodwa uJack Black wayebekwe phantsi kohlobo oluthile lomlingo olwamenza ukuba ambone ebhityile. Ngaphantsi kwamanqatha, wayenokubona uGwyneth Paltrow wangaphakathi.
Kwibhalansi, andicingi ukuba uMnu LaBute ungene kuyo nayiphi na into entsha ngeFat Pig. Isiphene esinzulu kum kum kukuba andibonanga iqhawekazi lakhe eliqalekisiweyo njengamanqatha, kodwa liyonwabisa. Njengokuba kudlalwe ngokwendalo kunye nokuthambekiswa nguNks. Ngokunyanisekileyo andizange ndibone ukuba yintoni yonke le ngxabano.
Umzekelo, ngaphambi kokuba umdlalo uqale, sibona uHelen epheka ipitsa kwindawo yokutyela enabantu abaninzi. Ungumnoncwadi kwaye utya isidlo sasemini kwikhawuntara. Akululanga ukutya phambi kwabaphulaphuli. Abadlali bahlala besenza ukutya kakhulu. Kodwa uNks Atkinson akenzi njalo. Ngapha koko, ukho-kwaye ke ngoku? Indawo yokudlala eyonwabisayo iqhubeka kangangemizuzu eli-10, eli lixesha elothusayo lokubukela nabani na esitya. Kodwa kuyacaca ukuba senzelwe ukubona intombazana eyonwabileyo itya ipitsa kunye nesaladi njengohlobo oluthile lwendalo okanye isampulu yendalo, ngokungathi ifunda uhlobo olungaqhelekanga, olungazinzanga olugcinelwe ekukhanyeni. Wayekhangeleka njengentombazana entle emyoli eyonwabela isidlo sasemini kum.
Naku ulapha! Ubuhle BuseLisweni Lombonisi. Kodwa khange athethe omnye umntu okanye omnye ngaphambili? Ingxaki ephambili kuMnumzana LaBute's Fat Pig kukuba umyalezo wayo kunye nengxaki inokuba yimicimbi esexesheni kwimagazini yeCosmopolitan 20 okanye 30 kwiminyaka eyadlulayo. Ulwimi oluthethwayo beluya kwahluka, kuphela.
Cosmo endimthandayo,
Ndiyintombazana enobukhulu obudlulileyo obudibene nomfana omkhulu kodwa andinakuqiniseka ukuba uzimisele nyhani na. Uthi uyathandana nam, kodwa uyazi ukuba amadoda anjani. Ndimalunga nama-230 okanye ama-240 eepawundi. Kodwa akufuneki yenze umahluko. Ndizithembile kum. Ewe, uhlobo. Ndijongeka ndisoyikeka ebumnyameni. Uyabona? Ndinoburharha! Ukuba bendibhityile, bendizakube ndonwabile! Kodwa andinakukungqina oko. Yindalo yam kuphela, ndiyaqikelela. Ndinokholo olupheleleyo kulo mfo. Ndiyadada kwilifu. Oku kunokuba kuhle kakhulu. Ndiyazi ukuba inokuba njalo. Ucebisa ntoni?
Wakho uhlala unyanisekile,
UHelen
Othandekayo uHelen,
Ngaba ukhe wacinga ngokuya kukutya? Ukudlala! Ukuba uyakuthanda njengoko esitsho, ukutyeba akufuneki kube yingxaki, ubuncinci ukuqala. Musa ukukhawuleza izinto.
Cosmo endimthandayo,
Kutshanje ndiye ndathandana nentombazana ebonakala ifana noMama uCass. Ndiyathetha, ngathi, uyazi. Noba yintoni. Andinantloni ngayo. Mna dunno. Mhlawumbi ndinguye. Ndiyathetha, WOW. Andizange ndizive ngale ndlela ngaphambili malunga nabani na, nanini na. Ngaphandle kukaMama, kunjalo. Masingayi apho! Le ntombazana ibonakala njengomntu onomdla ngokwenene. Uthanda iimuvi ezindala zemfazwe. Uye wahleka kakhulu. Siye sacofa nyani. Utyebile, kodwa. Kodwa andicingi ukuba inokwenza umahluko, uyazi?
Owenu othembekile,
UTom
Tom othandekayo,
Ingaba umngakanani? Una 12?
Cosmo endimthandayo,
Kuhle! Ndineminyaka engama-30 ubudala. Ubudlala, akunjalo? Ndithandana nyani nale ntombazana ityebileyo. Ewe, ngokungathi nabani na angatsho ukuba bayathandana. Ndiyathetha, xa kufikwa kanye kulo, luthando luni? Ingxaki kukuba, wonke umntu e-ofisini ucinga ukuba ndiyothusa. Umhlobo wam uCarter uqhubeka esenza iziqhulo malunga nabadlali be-sumo. Yiyiphi i-shithead! Kwaye intombi yam yangaphambili, uJeannie, osebenza kwiiakhawunti, naye akakholelwa. Umhle kwaye ubhityile kwaye kufuneka umbone ebhikini! Ndenze ntoni? Ndicinga ukuba konke kuyafika kum.
Owenu othembekile,
UTom
Tom othandekayo,
Abantu osebenza nabo bangamaxhoba oxinzelelo loluntu ukuba bahambisane nemigangatho yesiqhelo yobuhle esasazwa yinkcubeko egxile kumfanekiso. Uthando lokwenene yeyona nto ibalulekileyo. Khumbula ukuba uBuhle bungaphakathi kwaye ayizukuphela lize licule inenekazi elityebileyo.
Cosmo endimthandayo,
Izinto khange zisebenze kakuhle kakhulu njengoko zinokuba nomcimbi wobunzima. Kodwa nantsi hopin ’! Ingxaki umfana endithandana naye akazokundazisa kwabanye abahlobo bakhe eofisini. Andiqondi ukuba unentloni ngam, kodwa ngobunye ubusuku saphuma saya eSushi wandifihla phantsi kwengubo. Ndaqhubeka ndiphulukana nezinti zam. Yinto yokusebenza, akunjalo? Ndiyazi ukuba uthetha kakuhle. Ndingenza ntoni?
Wakho uhlala unyanisekile,
UHelen
Othandekayo uHelen,
Mshiye kwangoko.
Cosmo endimthandayo,
Ndingumntu obekekileyo ekubhekiswa kuye njenge-shithead kwimbalelwano yakutshanje kwaye ndifuna nje ukuba nonke nazi ukuba njenge-Neil LaBute eyindoda, ndinelungelo lokuba lilungu elipheleleyo nanini na ndifuna.
Owakho,
UCarter
Cosmo endimthandayo,
Ndiyintombazana entle eyintombazana entle ekubhekiswe kuyo kwimbalelwano yakho yakutshanje no-fatso kwaye andiyidingi le nto, andiyidingi le nto. Kwindawo yokuqala, ndiyakucaphukela ukuba ngumfazi wasetyhini uNeB LaBute omele ubuhle obonakeleyo, obungenangqondo. As for my ex, I hope he is happy with Elephant Girl, ndiyayenza. Ndiyathetha, mhlambe! Uyazi? Uxolo ulwimi lwam. Mncede!
Konke okuhle,
UJeannie
Cosmo endimthandayo,
Ndiyazi ukuba bekufanele ukuba ndithathe ingcebiso yakho, kodwa bendicinga ukuba likho ithuba, ndiyenzile. Ndiye kwitheko laselunxwemeni noTom kwaye wagqiba nam ngeyona ndlela imnandi, engenasiporho kwaye sobabini sakhala ngamehlo kwaye abaphulaphuli bayayithanda.
Wakho uhlala unyanisekile,
UHelen
Cosmo endimthandayo,
Bendi landela imbalelwano yamva nje kwaye ndiyifumene yonke ivuselela.
Qhubeleka nomsebenzi omhle!
Neil LaBute
