Illo: UKelsey Dake Kungekudala, bendihleli kwigumbi lokuhlala e-East Village kunye nomhlobo we-realtor njengoko ebabaza ubuhle beLe Trapeze, iklabhu ye-swinger embindini wedolophu. Amava, wafunga, wayemphilisile kwimicimbi yomzimba. Into endiyithathileyo kuthetha ukuba wonke umntu olapho ujongeke kakubi. Kwakungavakali njengendawo yam, ukunyaniseka, de wakhankanya i-buffet.
Ngoku le yayinomdla. Iphunga le-sterno elixubana ne-passionous. Ziti. Izikhumba zeetapile. Ubambo lwenkulumbuso…
Xa wathi wongeza ukuba i-etiquette efanelekileyo ye-swinger ifuna ukuba bonke abazimasa banxibe iisokisi zetyhubhu, ndanomdla ngokusemthethweni. Umbono onomdla wokuntywila ze behamba zeesokisi zetyhubhu ngelixa beluma amaphiko ebuffalo babamba umbono wam.
Ndigqibe kwelokuba ndibhale uphononongo lwendawo yokutyela yeLe Trapeze, ndizifanekise ngokwam ndicacisa ngeflorid icebo le-dill kwiimbotyi eziluhlaza, isosi ye-chipotle eqholiweyo, ivumba lesafroni elifihlakeleyo le-pilaf yerayisi. Ukukhawuleza ekhaya ukujonga iwebhusayithi, ndiye ndafunda ukuba iikawusi zetyhubhu ziyafuneka ngawo onke amaxesha (nokuba kungenxa yezococeko okanye i-aesthetics ayicaciswanga) kwaye iklabhu ayibusebenzisi utywala, nangona abaxube abahlukeneyo bekhona kwaye Abaxhasi banokuza notywala babo. Yeyiphi indlela endathi ndathi ndiphumelela izihlangu kunye nevodka.
Ibhegi yam enezinto zeklabhu yokuntywila, ndibhalise umhlobo wam ndaza ndaya kwi-17 East 27th Street ngoMgqibelo ebusuku. Imigaqo yeklabhu ichaza ukuba amadoda angatshatanga awavumelekanga ngaphakathi, xa ke sisondela emnyango, kweza umfana kuthi.
Ngaba uyafuna inkampani? Ubuze.
Hayi, ndiphendule njengoko besixakekile. Silapha nje kwi-buffet eshushu.
Siye sahlawula i-30 yeedola, emva koko umphathi weendaba wahambisa iindaba ezimbi: Akukho bhafathi ishushu ngokuhlwanje. Xa ndibonisa ukudana, i-bastard yavele yahleka, ibala imali yam. Ngokudilika, sagqiba kwelokuba singene. Emva kwayo yonke loo nto, besizithengile iikawusi. Umphathi wemali emva koko wasikhuphela ipasile yegumbi lokutshixa elinamagama. Umhlobo wam wayevuya kakhulu ngegama lakhe elibi, uKrystal. Ndabambelela kuSara. (Khange kubonakale ngathi lixesha lokunyanzelisa upelo olufanelekileyo lwaseFinland.)
Igumbi lokuhlala ngokwalo laliyiparadesi ye-libertine yexabiso eliphantsi. Kwakukho umqondiso oqhayisa ngokuzimisela ukuba iLe Trapeze yasekwa ngo-1980, ekusenokwenzeka ukuba yayilixesha lokugqibela ihonjisiwe. Kwakukho izibane zeplastiki ezimile okwexeshana kwabafazi ababhinqileyo ababengezela ngombala oluhlaza nepinki, izityalo ezingeyonyani ezinothuli, ezibonisa i-erotica kunye nekhaphethi enemibala e-raspberry eludongeni. Kutheni umntu enokukhetha ukuba nekhaphethi kwindawo enje ayaziwa.
Ukujika ikona, sahlola indawo yomdaniso, eyayiqulathe ipali yokuqhekeza, ityhubhu yokuqhekeza, ibhola ye-disco kunye nesibini esimhlophe esimhlophe (ngexeshana lokreqo, babedlala ngeesokisi zabo zetyhubhu) bejikeleza Umbhede omnyama wevinyl. Lo mbono wandothusa. Ngesizathu esithile, bendilindele ukuba ezokwenyani zesondo zahlulwe kumbono ngokubanzi, zibekelwe bucala kwinto ekuthiwa yiGumbi leMat. I-discombobulated, uKrystal kunye nam saya kwigumbi lokuhlambela. Impazamo enkulu. Igumbi lokuhlambela lidityaniswe kwigumbi elitshixwayo, elikufutshane neGumbi leMat, zonke ezo zahlulwe kuphela ngamakhethini amabi amdaka, zisinika umbono okhawulezileyo wentsimbi ebotshelelwe ngumdlandla ikhupha iqabane elingabonakaliyo.
Siye saya ke saya kwindawo yokutyela, ingqokelela yeetafile kunye nezitulo zevinyl. Imigqomo yeebuffet eshushu engenanto ihleli ilusizi ekoneni, kufutshane nekhawuntara yeplanga enezinto ezenziwe ngamakhethini abomvu neentyatyambo ezingezizo. Ngaphezulu kwekhawuntara umntu othile ubeke uphawu: NCEDA UKUGQIBELELA NGAPHANTSI KWE-TORSO KWI-BAR YOKUTYA. Ndicinga ukuba izandi zisemthethweni kunokuba GCINA UKWAKHULA KWAKHO KWI-TATER TOTS.
Kwavela, bekukho iminikelo yokutya encinci emva kwayo yonke loo nto. Indoda enempandla ebhinqileyo enxibe ibhulukhwe yangaphantsi emhlophe yayifaka ipleyiti yayo yeStyrofoam ephezulu eneetshipsi zeetapile.
Mhlawumbi konke kwakungalahlekanga! Ndiza kufaka nje iisokisi zam zetyhubhu, ndacinga, kwaye ndiphonononge ukutya oko ngu iyafumaneka. Njengoko uKrystal wayilayisha ipleyiti yakhe nayo yonke into ayifumanayo, ndenza indlela yekofu, ndagqitha iiKristal zeFolger zeDefaffeine zezinto ezinzima. Emva koko ndathatha ipleyiti eyam ndaza ndahlala phantsi ndatya indlela yam yonke, ndibhala olu vavanyo lulandelayo:
UKUHLAZIYWA KWENKUNDLA KWI-LE TRAPEZE SWINGER CLUB
I-CHIP YEKONA YOKUFUNDA: Ngasentla! I-flavour yaseMexico indithuthela eTijuana. Kulunge kakhulu!
I-RUFFLES POTATO CHIP: Ukuqhekeka okuswiti kunye nokunencasa okunetyiwa kukhuthaza imva kwemini yehlobo eyonqenayo.
I-BBQ CHIP: Umdaniso obuthathaka we-BBQ ngolwimi lwam njengebhanti laseMzantsi kwibala elifanelekileyo.
I-OREO: Le medley iphambili yekhukhi yetshokholethi etyibilikayo kunye nokuzaliswa kwe-vanilla ethambileyo yinto emnandi yokuxuba kunye neencasa.
UMSINDISI WOBOMI OBUGCINO OBUKHULULEKILEYO: Isiphetho esihlaziyayo nesomelezayo umphefumlo kwisidlo. Minty; itshomi.
Njengoko ndandiqhuba uphononongo lwam, ndaqaphela umfana kwisofa ekufutshane edlala ngepipi yakhe eqhwalelayo ngesandla esinye ngelixa esitya iTostitos nesinye. Umfazi oleleyo olele ecaleni kwakhe wayebukele iphonografi elukhuni kubabeki esweni njengokuba wayesekhaya ebukele Umthetho kunye noLungelelwaniso Ukuphinda wenze, ukuntywila kwisitya seRuffles. Omnye umfazi wayehleli evule imilenze evulekileyo, ngokungathi uyazikhupha.
Akukho namnye kubo owayenxibe iisokisi zetyhubhu.
Umphathi weklabhu wahamba. Mhlawumbi sijonge ezantsi: sityibilike kwitafile yethu, sinxibe ngokupheleleyo, siphunga i-Kool-Aid efudumeleyo exutywe nevodka. (I-KOOL-AID: I-sweetly, i-strawberry overtones e-artificial, i-aftertaste engathandekiyo.)
Ukujonga iisokisi zetyhubhu emhlophe endizitsale emadolweni, wathetha ngethoni yobungcali: Ngaba amanenekazi anqwenela ukuthanda iipopcorn ezintsha? Amaphepha:1 Mbini
