U-Esther Perel uthetha kwiNgqungquthela yoBukhuluI-Kirk Irwin / i-Getty Izithombe yeNgqungquthela yoBukhulu Njengengcali yezonyango, bekumnandi ukwenza udliwanondlebe ne-nova ephezulu kwicandelo lam: U-Esther Perel, owabelana ngesondo ngo-Belgian kunye nolwalamano kwezonyango onencwadi yakhe ka-2006, Ukutshatisa ekuthinjweni: Ukuvula ubuNgcali boBukrelekrele isungule ingxoxo eqhubekayo malunga nokuba okanye ukutshata nomntu ongatshatanga naye sisigqibo esifanelekileyo kumtshato wexesha elide . UPerel uqhubeke nalo mxholo kwiintetho zakhe ezibini zentsholongwane ye-TED kunye nencwadi esandula ukukhutshwa, Umbuso weMicimbi: UkuCinga ukungathembeki .
Njengabaninzi, ndingumntu ozinikezelayo kwi-podcast yakhe ngeveki Sifanele Siqale Phi? eyasungula ixesha layo lesibini ngokuVakalayo ekupheleni kwenyanga ephelileyo. Lo mbono we-voyeuristic ngaphakathi kweseshoni yonyango lwezibini inezibini ezithe tye, izitabane, izityebi, amahlwempu, abazali, abangenabantwana kunye neentlanga ezahlukeneyo kunye neenkcubeko ezifuna uncedo kwimicimbi eqhuba i-gamut. Nokuba uthetha ngokukhotyokiswa ngokwesondo, ukungathembeki, ukungachumi, imiba yezonyango okanye ukuthanda ukuthanda izinto, into abanayo ngokufanayo yindlela eziluhlaza ngayo ezi ncoko. Esi sibini size ePerel kuba, ngokulula, sinamathele. Bazigqibile zonke ezinye iindlela.
Akukho nasinye kwezi zibini — zili-12 kwisizini yokuqala; 10 kwixesha lesibini-zizigulana eziqhelekileyo zengqondo. Endaweni yokuba ziphakathi kwezibini ezingama-1,500 ezisebenzise kwi-intanethi ukuba zithathe ixesha elinye-kuphela kwiseshoni yeeyure ezintathu. Ngamnye unqunyulwe malunga nemizuzu engama-40 ukwenza isiqendu.
UPerel uthethe noMqwalaseli kutsha nje malunga nokuba wayifumana phi imbono yale ndlela yokufumana iingcebiso engaqhelekanga kunye noko yena ngokwakhe akufundileyo ngokuba sisiphathamandla esitshatileyo.
Yintoni ekhokelele ekuzalweni kwepodcast?
Kuvakala ukuba unomdla wokusebenzisana nezithethi ezikhethiweyo ze-TED. Umbono wokuqala yayiyinto ehambelana nomsebenzi wam njengomcebisi Umcimbi . Ndibaxelele ukuba izibini zonyango ayithi uthe wathi uthotho lwexesha lokubonisa, kodwa uninzi lwamanqwanqwa amaninzi. Ndicebise ukuba beze eofisini yam nasemva kweminyango evaliweyo kwaye, ngemvume, bamamele iseshoni.
Ukumamela wena emsebenzini yiklasi ebalaseleyo yendlela yokufikelela entliziyweni yebali lesibini - ayisiyiyo le nto bacinga ukuba yingxaki. Zeziphi ezinye izakhono oziqeqeshileyo kule minyaka ingama-33 ubusenza?
Abantu bangena kuba banamathele kwibali elinye, ke bayaqhubeka ngokujikeleza. Ndingumgqirha wosapho oqeqeshiweyo kwaye ndinoqeqesho oluqinileyo kunyango lwe-psychodynamic psychotherapy, psychodrama kunye ne-bioenergetics. Ndisebenze kakhulu njenge-psychologist enenkcubeko eyahlukeneyo kunye nabantu abathandanayo, inkolo kunye nenkcubeko.
Kukho iimbono ezimbalwa ezibalulekileyo ezilawula ukucinga kwam. Umzekelo, ifom ibaluleke ngaphezu komxholo. Izinto ezibangela ukuba isibini sixabane malunga nazo azibalulekanga kangako ngendlela abaqhuba ngayo omnye komnye. Ndijonge unxibelelwano lwabo apha kwaye ngoku ndibacelomngeni. Ndisebenzela ukunceda esi sibini sivelise kokubini uvelwano kunye nokuziphendulela. Kufana nokukrola ilitye elikhulu ukwenza umfanekiso oqingqiweyo. Ayisiyonto imangalisayo. Uhlala ucofa kude. Kwaye akukho nanye kuyo efundwayo.
Kwisiqendu sesithathu sexesha lokuqala ngesiquphe ubuze isibini esineengxaki zesondo ukuba sisebenzise iimfama zokuvala amehlo kwaye sibizana ngamagama ahlukeneyo. Umyeni ongenaxhala sele enesimo sengqondo sokuziphatha ngokwesini - UJean Claude. Impembelelo ngexesha leseshoni zazinzulu, kodwa ihlala ixesha elingakanani ingatshintsha iseshoni yexesha elinye kuphela?
Bayacelwa ukuba babhale emva koko. Kuyamangalisa ukwazi ukuba yintoni enokufezekiswa. Isibini esineJean Claude sabhala kwiintsuku ezimbalwa kamva ukuba babuyele kwiindima zabo zakudala. Ndabhala ndabuya ndabaphendula ngelithi baneminyaka emininzi kakhulu emva kwabo kuhlobo olunye lokuziphatha abanokuluguqula ngomlingo. Kodwa ngoku banamava aphilileyo otshintsho abaye bahlangabezana nalo eofisini, hayi umbono nje ongekhoyo. Bona waziva into eyahlukileyo, enokwakhiwa phezu kwayo.
Njengawe, ndingumntwana wabantu abasinda kwi-holocaust ababa yingcali yezithandani. Ndiyazibuza ukuba ingaba loo mbali yobuqu iyinxalenye yento ekutsalele kule ndima? Ngaba si-masochistic?
[Ukuhleka] Impembelelo yemvelaphi yabazali bam ibinempembelelo kwindlela yam yokujonga umhlaba kunokhetho lomsebenzi endiwukhethileyo. Nangona ngoku ndandikwishumi elivisayo ndandidla ngokuhlukunyezwa ngaphakathi ngelixa ndilungile ngokuthetha nabahlobo bam.
Kumsebenzi wam nezibini ezizayo ngokungcatsha, kukho umbuzo, Uyakha njani intembeko kwakhona? Akukho namnye wabazali bam owangcatshwa liqabane, kodwa bubuntu. Kwafuneka bafunde ukuthanda kwakhona kwaye banandiphe ubomi. Ndisebenzisa oko bahamba kuko njengesixhobo sangaphakathi kwinkolelo yam ekomeleleni. Imvelaphi yam indincede ndabona ukuba into esihlala siyichonga njengengxaki ayikunyanzelisi ukubizwa njengengxaki.
Uyacinga Sifanele Siqale Phi? Ngaba kunokuba luncedo kwizibini ezingekho kunyango?
Abantu bayangena ngokunyanzelwa. Abanye abantu abatshatileyo bamamela bodwa, emva koko badibane ukuze baxoxe ngezinto abazivileyo. Beve isigama seencoko abanokunqwenela ukuba nazo omnye komnye. Baziva ngokwabo-kufana nokuma phambi kwesipili-kwaye baqonde ukuba bazisongele kakhulu kwibali labo khange balimamele iqabane labo.
I-podcast ibonakalise iingxaki ezahlukeneyo zokubonisa ukusukela kwikhoboka lesini ukuya kukungabikho kwesondo koxinzelelo kumntwana osengxakini. Zeziphi izinto eziqhelekileyo xa isibini sisengxakini?
Umntu ngamnye upolisa ngeenxa zonke kwindima ezithile. Oku kunokunyuka kwaye kunzima kubo ukubona ukuba kukho ezinye iindima, ezinye iindlela zokujonga ibali. Ngomsebenzi wethu bangena ngenye indlela yokujonga ingxaki, bashiye nenye.
Akukho kungcatshwa kukhulu kunokubalisa ngobomi bakho, kodwa iinyaniso ezahlukeneyo zinokuhlala kunye. Ngexesha lokuqala, umyeni owayelikhoboka lesini kwaye wavuma ukukhohlisa umfazi wakhe iminyaka engama-40 wayeyinto engathandekiyo, kodwa oko akuzange kumsuse ekubeni ngumyeni notata omangalisayo ngalo lonke elo xesha.
Yintoni ekufundise ukuba sisibini esitshatileyo malunga noko kuthatha ukudala kunye nokugcina umtshato ophumelelayo?
Khange ndifumanise isosi eyimfihlo kubudlelwane kodwa ukuba ngugqirha wezibini andithathi umtshato ngokungenanto. Umyeni wam kunye nam siwuqwalasele ngakumbi umxholo wokuzibandakanya. Abantu abaninzi bahlala bezinika okona kulungileyo kwezinye iindawo zobomi babo. Zonke izibini kufuneka zenze imali kumava amatsha kunye.
USherry Amatenstein , I-LCSW yi-New York ese-Therapist kunye nomhleli we-anthology entsha 'yokuncipha': Ngaba Uziva Njani? Ukuvuma okwenyani kuwo omabini amacala eSingqengqelo sonyango .
