(Ifoto: UMark Sebastian / Flickr) Akukho klasi kwisikolo samabanga aphakamileyo malunga nokuba ungangangumfana othandekayo okanye intombi. Ngokuqinisekileyo, basifundisa i-biology yesini, ukuba semthethweni komtshato, kwaye mhlawumbi sifunda amabali othando ambalwa angacacanga ukusuka kwinkulungwane ye-19 malunga nendlela ekungafanele ukuba ngayo.
Kodwa xa isiza ekuphatheni ngokwenyani ubungqingqwa bobudlelwane, asinikwa zikhombisi… okanye okubi kakhulu, sinikwa iikholamu zeengcebiso kwiimagazini zabasetyhini.
Ewe, kukulingwa kunye nephutha ukusuka ekuhambeni. Kwaye ukuba ufana nabantu abaninzi, ibiyimpazamo enkulu.
Kodwa inxalenye yengxaki kukuba imikhwa emininzi yolwalamano olungenampilo ibhakwa kwinkcubeko yethu. Sinqula uthando oluthandanayo-uyazi, olo thando luthando kwaye lungekho ngqiqweni ngandlel 'ithile olufumana ukwaphula amacwecwe e-china eludongeni ngokulila kweenyembezi ezithandekayo- kunye nokuhlekisa ngokusebenziseka okanye ngokwesini okungaqhelekanga. Amadoda nabasetyhini bayakhuliswa ukuba bajongane kwaye baqonde ubudlelwane babo. Ke, amaqabane ethu ahlala ejongwa njengeeasethi kunokuba umntu abelane ngenkxaso yeemvakalelo.
Uncwadi oluninzi lokuzinceda phaya alunakunceda nokuba (hayi, amadoda nabafazi bayenjalo hayi ezivela kwiiplanethi ezahlukeneyo, wenza ngaphezulu kokuphanga). Kwaye uninzi lwethu, umama notata ngokuqinisekileyo yayingengabo eyona mizekelo mihle.
Ngethamsanqa, kuye kwakho uphando oluninzi lwengqondo kubudlelwane obunempilo nobonwabisayo kumashumi ambalwa eminyaka adlulileyo kwaye kukho imigaqo ngokubanzi eqhubeka ivela ngokungaguquguqukiyo uninzi lwabantu olungayaziyo okanye engayilandeliyo. Ngapha koko, eminye yale migaqo iyahamba ngokuchasene into ngokwesiko ithathwa njengeyothando okanye eqhelekileyo kubudlelwane.
Apha ngezantsi zizinto ezithandathu ezixhaphakileyo kubudlelwane abantu abaninzi abathandanayo abacinga ukuba ziphilile kwaye ziqhelekile, kodwa ziyityhefu kwaye zonakalisa yonke into oyithandayo. Lungisa izicwili.
1. IKHADI LONXIBELELWANO
Yintoni: Into yokugcina amanqaku kuxa umntu othandana naye eqhubeka nokukusola ngeempazamo ezidlulileyo ozenzileyo kubudlelwane. Ukuba bobabini abantu abakwolu lwalamano benza le nto ibandakanya into endiyibiza ngokuba likhadi lamanqaku olwalamano, apho iba lidabi lokubona ukuba ngubani oye wasoqa ezona nyanga okanye iminyaka, kwaye ke ngubani onetyala lomnye.
Ubungu-esile kumcimbi wokuzalwa kukaCynthia wama-28 emva ko-2010 kwaye uqhubekile wonakalisa ubomi bakho ukusukela ngoko. Ngoba? Kuba ayikho iveki ehamba ungakhunjuzwa ngayo. Kodwa kulungile, kuba ngelo xesha umbambe ethumela imiyalezo yokuncwasa kumntu asebenza naye ngokukhawuleza uyalisusa ilungelo lakhe lokuba nomona, kungoko kunjalo, kunjalo?
Akulunganga.
Kutheni le nto ityhefu: Ikhadi lamanqaku olwalamano likhula ngokuhamba kwexesha kuba omnye okanye bobabini abantu kubudlelwane basebenzisa ukungalunganga okudlulileyo ukuzama ukuthethelela ubulungisa bangoku. Le yinto ephindwe kabini yesiphuzo. Ayisiyiyo nje into yokuba uphambukise umba wangoku ngokwawo, kodwa uzikhuphelela ityala kunye nobukrakra bexesha elidlulileyo lokusebenzisa iqabane lakho ukuba liziva liphosakele okwangoku.
Ukuba oku kuqhubeka ixesha elide ngokwaneleyo, omabini amaqabane ekugqibeleni achitha uninzi lwamandla abo bezama ukubonisa ukuba abanasiphene kunenye, kunokuba basombulule ingxaki yangoku. Abantu bachitha lonke ixesha labo bezama ukungalunganga omnye komnye endaweni yokulungelana.
Into ekufuneka uyenzile endaweni yoko: Jongana nemicimbi nganye nganye ngaphandle kokuba idityaniswe ngokusemthethweni. Ukuba umntu uqhele ukukopela, kuyacaca ukuba yingxaki ephindaphindayo leyo. Kodwa into yokuba wakuphoxa ngo-2010 kwaye ngoku wakhathazeka kwaye akakuhoya namhlanje ngo-2013 ayinanto yakwenza nomnye nomnye, ngoko ungayivezi.
Kuya kufuneka uqaphele ukuba ngokukhetha ukuba kunye nezinye ezibalulekileyo, ukhetha ukuba kunye nazo zonke izenzo kunye nokuziphatha kwabo kwangaphambili. Ukuba awuzamkeli ezo, ekugqibeleni, awuzamkeli. Ukuba kukho into ekukhathazayo kangako kunyaka ophelileyo, bekufanele ukuba ubuphethe ngayo kunyaka ophelileyo.
2. UKUTSHABALISA IINGCEBISO NEZINYE IINGXAKI ZOKUDLULA
Yintoni: Endaweni yokuchaza umnqweno okanye ukucinga ngokugqithileyo, iqabane lakho lizama ukukukhokelela kwicala elifanelekileyo lokuziqikelela. Endaweni yokuthetha eyona nto ikucaphukisayo, ufumana iindlela ezincinci nezincinci zokulicaphukisa iqabane lakho ukuze emva koko uzive kufanelekile ukukhalaza kubo.
Kutheni le nto ityhefu: Ibonisa ukuba nobabini anikhululekanga ngokuthetha ngokuphandle nangokucacileyo omnye nomnye. Umntu akanasizathu sokwenza nje-ukuba ndlongondlongo xa eziva ekhuselekile ekuvakaliseni umsindo okanye ukungazithembi kubudlelwane. Umntu ngekhe azive enesidingo sokulahla iingcebiso ukuba uziva ngathi akazukugwetywa okanye agxekwe.
Into ekufuneka uyenzile endaweni yoko: Xela iimvakalelo zakho kunye neminqweno yakho ngokuphandle. Kwaye yenze icace into yokuba omnye umntu akanyanzelekanga ukuba abenoxanduva okanye unyanzelekile kubo kodwa ungathanda ukuba nenkxaso yabo. Ukuba bayakuthanda, baya kuhlala bekwazi ukukunika.
3. UKUBAMBA I-HOSTAGE YOBUDLELWANE
Yintoni: Xa omnye umntu egxekwa ngokulula okanye isikhalazo kunye ne-blackmails komnye umntu esoyikisa ukuzibophelela kobudlelwane bebonke. Umzekelo, ukuba umntu uziva ngathi ubandayo kuye, endaweni yokuthi, ndiziva ngathi uyabanda ngamanye amaxesha, baya kuthi, andikwazi ukuthandana nomntu obandayo kum ngalo lonke ixesha.
Kutheni le nto ityhefu: Kukungcungcuthekiswa ngokweemvakalelo kwaye kuyadala iitoni yedrama engeyomfuneko. Yonke into encinci yokuhamba kolwalamano ikhokelela kwingxaki yokuzibophelela. Kubalulekile kubo bobabini abantu kubudlelwane ukuba bazi ukuba iingcinga ezimbi kunye neemvakalelo zinokunxibelelana ngokukhuselekileyo omnye komnye ngaphandle kokuba zisongele ulwalamano ngokwalo. Ngaphandle koko abantu baya kuthintela iingcinga kunye neemvakalelo zabo eziyinyani ezikhokelela kwimeko yokungathembani kunye nokukhohlisa.
Into ekufuneka uyenzile endaweni yoko: Kulungile ukucaphuka kwiqabane lakho okanye ukungathandi nto ngazo. Oko kubizwa ngokuba ngumntu oqhelekileyo. Kodwa qonda ukuba ukuzibophelela emntwini kwaye uhlala umthanda umntu ayisiyonto inye. Umntu unokuzibophelela emntwini kwaye angayithandi yonke into malunga nabo. Umntu unokuzinikela ngonaphakade emntwini kodwa abe ecaphukile okanye acatshukiswe liqabane lakhe ngamanye amaxesha. Ngokuchasene noko, amaqabane amabini anakho ukunxibelelana ngengxelo kunye nokugxekwa komnye nomnye, kuphela ngaphandle kwesigwebo okanye ukuphathwa gadalala, aya komeleza ukuzibophelela kwabo komnye nomnye ekuhambeni kwexesha.
4. UKUGXEKA UMlingane wakho ngeemvakalelo zakho
Yintoni: Masithi unosuku olonwabisayo kwaye iqabane lakho alikho kuvelwano kakhulu okanye ukuxhasa ngalo mzuzu. Bebehleli emnxebeni imini yonke nabanye abantu abavela emsebenzini. Baye baphazamiseka xa ubangana. Ufuna ukulala ekhaya kunye kwaye ubukele imovie ngokuhlwanje, kodwa banezicwangciso zokuphuma baye kubona izihlobo zabo.
Ke ubangxolisa ngokungakhathali kwaye bangakhathali kuwe. Ube nemini emnandi kwaye akukho nto bayenzileyo ngayo. Ngokuqinisekileyo, awuzange ubuze, kodwa kufuneka bazi nje ukuba uzive ungcono. Bekufanele ukuba bayaphuma emnxebeni kwaye bazilahla izicwangciso zabo ngokusekwe eyakho imeko yeemvakalelo ezimnandi.
Kutheni le nto ityhefu: Ukubeka ityala kumaqabane ethu kwiimvakalelo zethu yindlela efihlakeleyo yokuzingca, kunye nomzekelo weklasikhi wolondolozo olubi lwe imida yakho . Xa useta umzekelo wokuba iqabane lakho linoxanduva lwendlela oziva ngayo ngalo lonke ixesha (kwaye ngokuchaseneyo), uya kuphuhlisa utyekelo lokuxhomekeka. Ngokukhawuleza, abavumelekanga ukuba bacwangcise imisebenzi ngaphandle kokujonga nawe kuqala. Zonke izinto ezenziwayo ekhaya, nditsho nezinto eziqhelekileyo njengokufunda iincwadi okanye ukubukela umabonwakude, kufuneka kuthethathethwane ngazo kwaye zilungelelaniswe. Xa umntu eqala ukuba nomsindo, yonke iminqweno yobuqu iyaphuma ngefestile kuba luxanduva lwakho ukwenza ukuba omnye nomnye azive engcono.
Ingxaki enkulu ekuphuhliseni olu tyekelo lokuxhomekeka kukuzala inzondo. Ngokuqinisekileyo, ukuba intombi yam iyandicaphukisa kube kanye kuba ibinosuku olumnandi kwaye ikhathazekile kwaye ifuna ingqalelo, iyaqondakala. Kodwa ukuba iba lulindelo lokuba ubomi bam bujikeleze impilo-ntle yakhe ngamaxesha onke, ngoko ke ndiza kuba krakra kakhulu ndize ndilawule iimvakalelo neminqweno yakhe.
Into ekufuneka uyenzile endaweni yoko: Thatha uxanduva lweemvakalelo zakho kwaye ulindele ukuba iqabane lakho libe noxanduva lwabo. Kukho umahluko ocekeceke kodwa obalulekileyo phakathi kokuxhasa iqabane lakho kunye nokunyanzelwa kwiqabane lakho. Nawuphi na amadini kufuneka enziwe njengokuzimela kwaye angabonwa njengolindelo. Ngokukhawuleza ukuba bobabini abantu kubudlelwane babe netyala lokudibana kunye nokuhla, kubanika inkuthazo yokufihla iimvakalelo zabo zokwenyani kunye nokuphathana.
5. YIBONISA UKUTHANDA UMONA
Yintoni: Ukucaphuka xa iqabane lakho lithetha, lichukumisa, lifowuna, lithumela iitekisi, lixhoma okanye lithimla kufutshane nomnye umntu emva koko uqhubeke nokukhuphela umsindo kwiqabane lakho kwaye uzame ukulawula indlela aziphethe ngayo. Oku kuhlala kukhokelela ekuziphatheni okuphambeneyo njengokungena kwiakhawunti ye-imeyile yeqabane lakho, ujonge imiyalezo yabo ngelixa besesha okanye nokuba ubalandele ngeenxa zonke edolophini kwaye ubonakalise ungabhengezwanga xa bengakulindelanga.
Kutheni le nto ityhefu: Kuyandothusa ukuba abanye abantu bachaze oku njengohlobo oluthile lokubonisa uthando. Bafumanisa ukuba ukuba iqabane labo belingenamona, oko bekuya kuthi ngandlel ’ithile bangathandwa ngabo.
Oku kukuhlekisa kakhulu kum. Ukulawula kunye nokukhohlisa. Idala umdlalo ongeyomfuneko kunye nokulwa. Idlulisa umyalezo wokungathembani komnye umntu. Kwaye ukunyaniseka, kuthoba isidima. Ukuba intombi yam intombazana ayinakundithemba ukuba ndiza kuba phakathi kwabanye abafazi abathandekayo ndedwa, oko kuthetha ukuba ikholelwa ekubeni ndinguye a) ulixoki okanye b) ndingenakho ukulawula iminqweno yam. Kuzo zombini iimeko, lelo bhinqa andifuni ukuthandana nalo.
Into ekufuneka uyenzile endaweni yoko: Thembela kwiqabane lakho. Ngumbono oguqukayo, ndiyazi. Olunye umona luyindalo. Kodwa umona ogqithisileyo kunye nokuziphatha kokuziphatha kwiqabane lakho ziimpawu zeemvakalelo zakho zokungafaneleki kwaye kuya kufuneka ufunde ukujongana nazo ungazinyanzelisi kwabo basondeleyo kuwe. Kungenxa yokuba ngenye indlela uza kuthi ekugqibeleni umtyhale loo mntu.
6. UKUTHENGA IZISOMBULULO KWIINGXAKI ZOBUDLELWANE
Yintoni: Nangaliphi na ixesha ungquzulwano olukhulu okanye umba uvela kubudlelwane, endaweni yokuyisombulula, umntu uyawugubungela ngovuyo kunye neemvakalelo ezilungileyo eziza ngokuthenga into entle okanye ukuthatha uhambo kwenye indawo.
Abazali bam babeziingcali kule nto. Kwaye ibabeke kude kakhulu: uqhawulo-mtshato olukhulu kunye neminyaka eli-15 yokungathethi omnye komnye ukusukela. Bobabini ukusukela ngokuzimeleyo bandixelele ukuba le yayiyingxaki ephambili emtshatweni wabo: ngokuqhubekayo begquma imicimbi yabo yokwenyani ngokuzonwabisa okuphezulu.
Kutheni le nto ityhefu: Ayisiyi kuxukuxa kuphela ingxaki yokwenyani phantsi kombhoxo (apho uya kuthi khona njalo kuvele kakubi ngakumbi kwixesha elizayo), kodwa ibeka imeko engafanelekanga kulwalamano. Le ayongxaki ekhethekileyo yesini, kodwa ndiza kusebenzisa imeko yesini ngokwesiko. Masicinge ukuba nanini na xa umfazi enomsindo kwisithandwa sakhe / indoda yakhe, indoda iyawusombulula umba ngokuthengela loo mfazi into entle okanye imse kwindawo yokutyela entle okanye into ethile. Ayisiyi kuphela eyokunika umfazi inkuthazo engekho zingqondweni yokufumana izizathu ezingakumbi zokucaphuka yindoda, kodwa ikwabonelela indoda ngokuqinisekileyo ukuba ingakhuthazi ukuba ibe noxanduva lokuphendula kwiingxaki zobudlelwane. Ke ugqiba ngantoni? Umyeni okhethiweyo oziva ngathi yi-ATM, kunye nomfazi ongapheliyo okrakra oziva engaziwa.
Into ekufuneka uyenzile endaweni yoko: Ngokwenyani, uyazi, jongana nengxaki. Ukuthembana kwaphulwa? Thetha malunga noko kuya kuthatha ukuyakha kwakhona. Umntu uziva engahoywanga okanye engaxabisekanga? Thetha ngeendlela zokubuyisela ezo mvakalelo zoxabiso. Nxibelelana!
Akukho nto iphosakeleyo ngokwenza izinto ezintle zomnye obalulekileyo emva komlo wokubonisa ubumbano kunye nokuqinisekisa ukuzibophelela. Kodwa umntu akufuneki asebenzise izipho okanye izinto ezintle buyisela ukujongana nemicimbi esisiseko yeemvakalelo. Izipho nohambo lubizwa ngokuba ziziyolo ngenxa yesizathu, ufumana ukuzixabisa xa yonke enye into sele ilungile. Ukuba uzisebenzisa ukugubungela iingxaki zakho, uya kuzifumana unengxaki enkulu emgceni.
BONA KWAKHO: Uthando alwanele
UMark Manson ngumbhali, ibhlog kunye nosomashishini obhalayo markmanson.net .
