Mhlawumbi amadoda asela kuba amadoda asela.Unsplash / uAdam Jaime Isihloko sesincoko sithi Kutheni abantu besela. Andazi ukuba kutheni abantu besela. Kodwa kusemva kwexesha ukubuyela umva ngoku. Sele ufunda. Ndingakuxelela ibali ngelixa ulapha.
Ndandineminyaka eli-18 ukuqala kwam ukunxila. Kwakusegumbini lokulala kumgangatho webhinqa. Oku kwakubalulekile kuba u-A) bendithetha nabafazi bokwenyani, B) bendisela utywala obuninzi okokuqala, kwaye C) wonke umntu wayehleka iziqhulo zam ezingenangqondo. Kamva ngobo busuku ndanxila ndaziqinisekisa ukuba ndiyagabha igazi. (Kwakungelogazi; bendileqa iwhisky ngenqindi yeziqhamo.) Ngosuku olulandelayo ndandiyintsomi. Andizange ndibenazo izakhono zomzimba okanye zentlalo kodwa isibindi sam sasinamandla. Amadoda ayendihlonela. Amakhwenkwe, ngenene, kodwa amadoda anobuchwephesha. Abafazi, nangona kunjalo, zange bandimemele kumagumbi abo kuba akukho mntu unokuba nomtsalane ngokwenene ngelixa ekhukhumala.
Ngenxa yoko, umsebenzi wam wokusela waqalisa. Kuya kuhlala phantse iminyaka eli-15. Ndasela njengendoda. Okanye, ubuncinci, yile nto bendizixelele yona. Isiphelo.
Ndingathanda kakhulu ukutyhila, ngokuqinisekileyo, kutheni amadoda esela. Ndithembisile ukuba ndiyakwenza njalo, kwaye ndiyathanda ukuba okungenani ndizame ukugcina izithembiso zam. Ngokwesiqhelo, andinangxaki yokwenza ukutshayelwa kwesini. Inokuhlawula kakuhle! Ke mhlawumbi ndiza kuyinika isiza: Amadoda asela kuba ukuba yindoda ngumthwalo wokwenene. Ucinga ntoni? Kuya kufuneka uziphathe njengendoda ngalo lonke ixesha. Oko kuthetha ukuginya zonke iimvakalelo zakho ezinoburharha, ukubulala iibhugi ngeesiliphu, kunye nokuvula izinto ezingenakuvulwa. Ukuthetha gwenxa kunokuba njalo kuyadinisa. Kodwa inyani andazi nyani ukuba kutheni amadoda esela. Ndicinga ukuba lo mbuzo ubuzwa kakuhle kubathengisi. Ngabagqwirha beentliziyo zethu ezifihlakeleyo.
Andazi nokuba kutheni abantu ababhinqileyo besela kuba, ngaphandle kwempazamo yam, andingomfazi. Udadewethu wayehlala endibambe ngokuchasene noko, kodwa zange kube kudala kuba wayendithanda nokuba ndingumzalwana omncinci. Oodade balungile ngaloo ndlela.
Andazi kwanto ngaphandle kokuba ndiyeke ukusela kwaye ndiyindoda, okanye ubuncinci, ndingumntu ofanelekileyo. Kodwa kutheni amadoda esela ayingombuzo olungileyo, ewe.
Umbuzo obalulekileyo kukuba kutheni amadoda eyeka ukusela — ukuba ayakwazi. Kodwa loo mpendulo isafuna ukuba ndithethe kuwo onke amadoda, kwaye sele ndicebisile ukuba akunangqondo. Ke ndiza kuwuphendula lo mbuzo endaweni yoko: Kutheni ndiyekile ukusela? Kutheni ndizivalele? Ndiza kukuxelela. Kodwa kuqala: Molo, igama lam ndinguJohn, kwaye ndilikhoboka lotywala. Hayi hayi. Akunyanzelekanga ukuba uphinde ubuye. Le ayisiyintlanganiso yeAA. Kusenokwenzeka ukuba awunabo nokuba likhoboka lotywala. Mhlawumbi usela kakhulu? Okanye, ok, enye yezo ntsuku okanye iiveki okanye iinyanga? Ngaba umnyama kule veki? Ngaba unxilile ngoku ngelixa ufunda le nto? (Ndiyathemba ukuba ayizukuba kuba le izakuba yib.u.z.z. bulala.) Ngapha koko, masithethe ngokufutshane malunga neebinaries: Kukho umhlaba ophakathi phakathi kotywala kunye notywala. Yinto ebonakalayo, ngokwenene. Kukho zonke iintlobo zabasela ingxaki. Ndenzeka ukuba ndiloluhlobo olungenakuphinda lusele kwakhona. Kodwa ngubani owaziyo! Ubomi bunomdla ngaloo ndlela. Indawo inkulu kakhulu kwaye inkwenkwezi yam incinci kakhulu.
Ndayeka ukusela ngoba ukuba ndandingazange ndife, okanye okubi, ndiyadika.
Ndinqwenela ukuba ndibenebali malunga nomzuzu wam wokucaca. Khange ndibenawo umzuzu wokucaca. Ndinqwenela ukuba ndiyenzile kuba iyakwenza ukuba isicelo sam sencwadi sonwabe kakhulu. Masinyaniseke okomzuzwana: Ngokwenyani akukho ngxelo idikayo kubomi banamhlanje kunebali leziyobisi. Nantsi into endinqwenela ukuba ibali lam ibiyile: Ndandilinxila eliqhuqha kamnandi notywala ndandiqhuba imoto yam yezemidlalo ukuya eMonti, ndafunda izifundo ezibalulekileyo kubomi obunxilisayo nobunxilisayo kwi-rehab, emva koko, ndathenga enye imoto yemidlalo.
Isizathu sokuba ndiyeke ukusela sasilula kakhulu: I-IRS yabeka i-lien kwiakhawunti yam yebhanki kuba ndoyisakele ukuhlawula irhafu, eyimpazamo engahlawulwayo. Linda, hayi, ayisosizathu sokuba ndiyeke. Oo, kunene, umphathi wam undixelele ukuba uyakundigxotha ukuba ndingaze ndiye emoyeni ndinxilile kwakhona, into endandihlala ndiyenza xa ndizifumana ndingenakuqondakala ukuba ndibambe inkqubo kanomathotholo enikezelwe kumdla wamadoda (owawukho, kwaye oku kungqale ngqo quote, boobs, bacon and beer.) Nangona kunjalo, ukulunga, ayisosona sizathu sokuba ndiphazamise ingqondo. Ndiyathetha, ndenza abantu endibathandayo balile. Ndaboyikisa ngeentetho ezinomsindo malunga nokuhlupheka, ukuhlupheka kwam. Ndichithe ixesha elininzi ndingazi nto kuthutho lukawonkewonke. Kwaye kukho yonke imilo endingena kuyo, kwaye ndoyise, ngezinto ezingaphiliyo. Owu! Ewe! Ndandinalo mkhwa ucaphukisayo xa ndijamelene ne-shit yokuba ndingaze ndithathe uxanduva ngezenzo zam. Yayintle leyo.Utywala, njengemali, bunayo indlela yokwenza ukuba ube ungaphezulu kwalowo sele ukhona.
Kwathi ke, ngenye imini, ndayeka ukusela kuba ngequbuliso ndaphantse andabinanto. Ndiyathetha, ndandinako ngokwaneleyo ukuze ndiphile. Ngokuqinisekileyo bendinako ngokwaneleyo ukusela. Ndinexabiso elaneleyo leebhals, i-bacon kunye nebhiya, kodwa into endandinayo yayingenakwanela ukuba ngumntu. Yile nto bendiyicinga. Ndibe nethamsanqa kukho abantu ebomini bam abalalelayo. Ndidlale umdlalo wentembeko kwindalo iphela. Ndawa ngomva. Ndabanjwa.
Ndiyicinga ukuba kukunganyaniseki ukuyibiza ngethamsanqa. Uthando lwabahlobo asilottery. Bakho okanye abekho. Ndicinga ukuba ndingathetha ngesizathu sokuba ndisele. Ndiyazi ukuba ndithe andizukuyenza kodwa inye into endiyifundileyo ngam emva kokuba ndincwine kukuba ndisakwazi ukuxoka. Ukuphakama akuthethi ukuba ngequbuliso ungumntu olungileyo. Hayi, ha. Hayi gcinani engqondweni ukuba kutheni ndisele nje inxulumene nesizathu sokuba ndiyeke.
Ndasela kuba ndisoyika. I-Booze yindlela eyoneleyo yokukopisha. Ndasela kuba ndisezintlungwini. Ndasela xa ndiphumelela, kwaye ndasela xa ndiphulukene noko. Ndasela ukusindisa isithukuthezi, unxunguphalo lwasentlalweni, kwaye eyona nto yayijongelwa phantsi sisifo, ulonwabo. Ndasela ukuyivusa, kwaye ndasela kuba andikwazi. Ndasela ukuhombisa, ndasela ukusela. Ndandifuna ukuba lilungu, ndandifuna ukuba nomsindo, ndandifuna ukudanisa, ukubila, ukulila, ukuqhushumba kwilifu leemolekyuli kwaye ndibuye ndiguquke, njengoko ndandikhathalele njengangaphambili. Ndasela ke. Ndasela kuba yayinguLwesihlanu, okanye uMvulo, okanye, okona kubi kakhulu, kungoLwesithathu. Ndisele ngoba iwayini ebomvu iwabini kakuhle ngayo nayiphi na into oyityayo, ikrwada.
Ndiyazi ukuba ndingumfana omnye, kodwa ndasela abantu abaninzi ababe, ngaphezulu okanye ngaphantsi, njengam. Kwakukho abo bafana babephuma bayokusela iibhiya ezintathu nam. Abo bafana zii-weirdos. Iibhiya ezintathu? Yeyiphi intle, entle, enesidima yabantu abaqhelekileyo. Singamongikazi utywala kwaye sikhalaze malunga nomphathi, okanye intombi, okanye imeko yomntu. Ukuba bendinokwazi ukubenza baqiniseke ukuba banesine, besingaqala ukuwolana. Amadoda angabonakalisa uthando omnye komnye xa enxilile. Ngumthetho! Ekugqibeleni babegoduka, kwaye bendihlala ndibenabanye abathathu ngendawo yokuphelisa ibarroom. Ndandisela kunye nabathengisi kuba bahlala bethenga iziselo. Ndandisela ngeejokhi, amagqwetha, kunye nabadlali. Sonke sinezinto ezininzi esifana ngazo, ezinje, ukuphazamiseka koxinzelelo esingenako ukukuchaza kuba amadoda anzima, njengenkomo yenkomo. Ndandisela nabahlobo babahlobo ababesela ngaphezu kweebhiya ezintathu. Ngapha koko, besizakuphelela kwizindlu zokuhlambela sigqobhoza icocaine kunye nosana olususa iingcebiso zezitshixo. Ndichithe ixesha elininzi kwindawo yamapolisa engenafestile eQueens iminyaka emithathu. Amapolisa zii-boozers eziyintshatsheli. Akukho pizza yasimahla kwindawo yokuntywila. Ibha yokuntywila ayikho apho amakhwenkwe angamaqhetseba aya khona ukuyokudlala ibhiya. Yayiyindawo ekhuselekileyo yabantu abangonwabanga abafuna ukuhla baye kushishino.
Ukuqala kwam ukuhleba kubahlobo ndandilinxila babeneempendulo ezintathu. Abanye babahlobo bam babedla ngokundixelela ukuba babengezizo iziselo ezinxilisayo kwaye ndiyavumelana nabo, emva koko siye sihlale apho ngokungathandekiyo imizuzwana embalwa ngaphambi kokuba sithethe ngayo nayiphi na enye into. Abanye banokundibuza ukuba ndicinga ukuba bangamakhoboka otywala na. Ndingaphendula, andazi, wena? Abanye balusizi balucela uxolo kwaye baphola, ngokungathi bandinqwenelela uvelwano ngesifo esosulela kakhulu. Isizathu sokuba eyona nkqubo yamanyathelo alishumi elinambini eyaziwayo ingaziwa kukuba, kwakha kwakho, ukuvuma ukuba ulikhoboka lotywala kwakuthetha ukuba ubungumntu wentlalo. Ndibhala malunga naso esidlangalaleni kuba ndandiyintlalontle xa ndandisela, kunjalo. Kutheni ungavumi ukuba ndophukile. Ndiyathetha, wophukile. Sonke siphukile. Sizalwe sinjalo. Kodwa abanye bethu banamalungu amenyezelayo.
Ukuphuma kwisosi ngumsebenzi wedwa. Ubuncinane yayiyeyam. (Nantsi imfihlo: ndisenomsebenzi omninzi ekufuneka ndiwenzile kuba bubomi obude kude kube lelo xesha ngesiquphe xa ingekho.) Bendisiya ezintlanganisweni ndibukele abantu bema ngeenyawo bevuma ubuthathaka babo. Awuboni ukuba rhoqo kuluntu lwethu wee. Ukubonakala kwamandla kuxabisiwe. Thina, njengamaMelika, sithanda umsebenzi olungileyo wepeyinti. Ndifumanise kwezi ntlanganiso ukuba zimbini iindidi zamadoda ebeyekile ukusela: Abo bebeyeke besebancinci kakhulu kuba besongele imoto emthini kunye namadoda amadala aphakathi ukusela kwabo kufikelele esiphelweni ekuphulukaneni kwabo nakho konke - usapho, umsebenzi kunye nentlonipho. Ndandiphakathi. Umphakathi uyonwabisa. Amadoda nje enza ulonwabo. Zonke izihlobo zam bezisela. Bendikwazi oku ngoba khange baphinde bandimeme. Mhlawumbi amadoda asela kuba amadoda asela.
Ndaye ndaneeveki ezimbalwa ndingenangqondo xa ndandixelela udadewethu ukuba ndilikhoboka lotywala efowunini. Ezo yayiziintsuku zokudinwa kum. Ngasihlandlo sithile, ndalila ekhaya kuba iKT Tunstall's Ngequbuliso, Ndabona yeza kunomathotholo. Ndiyathetha, ayingomqondiso wendoda ozinzileyo ngokweemvakalelo. Undamkele, ngendlela ahlala esenza ngayo. Emva koko wahlekisa ngam. Sahleka. Kwiinyanga ezintandathu kamva ndambhalela i-obituary yakhe. Waye wasweleka, ngequbuliso, eneminyaka engama-46. Andiqondi ukuba ngendandihleli phantsi ndawola eso sidumbu sinxilile. Ndifuna isiselo. Ndifuna ishumi elinambini. Kodwa ndaziva konke. Zonke iiseringi. Andizukuyifaka emanzini le ntlungu kwi-bourbon.
Andikwazi ukucinga nantoni na embi, engaqhelekanga into ofuna ukuyazi. Ndayeka ukusela ukuze ndikwazi ukuziva zonke — ezoyikekayo nezikrelekrele. Ndimkhumbula kakhulu. Okwangoku. Ufuna ukwazi ibali malunga nethamsanqa? Imalunga nendoda eyekile ukusela ngexesha lokuvalelisa kudade wayo.
Ke ndicela uxolo kakhulu ukuba ubufuna ukwazi ukuba kutheni amadoda esela. Jonga, nantsi impendulo ekhawulezayo nelula: Amadoda asela kuba athengisa ibhiya kwiipali zebhola. Bayasela kwakhona kuba sonke siyoyika kwaye silahlekile kwaye uThixo wacinga ukuba iziselo ezinxilisayo ezinokuthomalalisa imithambo-luvo zingayinto entle ukusinika yona kodwa ke abanye babantwana baKhe bathathe nje kancinci. AyingoYe; sithi. Ukuba ucinga ukuba usela kakhulu okanye uziva ungalawuleki okanye ungathanda ukuyeka, fikelela kubahlobo okanye kwiingcali. Kukho iingcali ezininzi phaya ezona zibalaseleyo kuluntu. Abazitshomi, kodwa bafuna ukunceda. Utywala, njengoxinzelelo, bunokwehla njengenkungu kwaye ezi ngcali zizibane zasebusuku zabantu. Akukho mntu unokulwa inkungu eyedwa, nkqu noGqirha Inkungu, othembekileyo, akayilawuli inkungu. Ngoomatshini nje benkungu kunye nomdlalo weqonga. Ukuba uyindoda eyindoda kwaye ungaze ucele uncedo, njengaye, yidlule loo nto. Yenza njengomntu. Yiba ligorha uze ufikelele. Uyathandwa, bhuti.
UYohane I-DeVoreIsincoko esiphumelele amabhaso esihlala eBrooklyn kunye nenja egqibeleleyo kwihlabathi. Ubhalelwe iimagazini, iiwebhusayithi kunye noonomathotholo, kwaye waphikisana noAnn Coulter kwiTV. Landela ukungcakaza kwakhe kwi-Twitter kuJohnDeVore.
