Enkosi ngokungayi apho, mfo.
Umhlobo wam uJen wadibana nomfana eTinder owayefuduka eJersey ukuya kumhlangabeza kwi-East Village ukuze asele. Akazange amnike ukumthengela i-cocktail, kodwa endaweni yoko wabuza yena ukuthenga yena iziselo. Wemka emva kwemizuzu engama-30, engakwazi ukufihla indlela azothe ngayo. Kamva ngobo busuku, wayithumela uthotho lweetekisi ezichaza ukuba ndiyakuthanda. Ndibe nexesha elimnandi. Masenze kwakhona kungekudala. UJen akazange amhoye, kodwa wayengayeki.
Ndiva ngathi uyandivuthela. Ndingakuthumelela into?
INTONI? Ekugqibeleni uJen uphendule.
Boom! Ividiyo ecacileyo, ezele ngokugcuma nokukhwaza igama lakhe, yaphula isikrini sayo se-iPhone 5. Wothuka.
WOWU. Uye wambhalela umyalezo. QHA WOW.
Ndacinga ukuba uya kuvuya, waphendula.
Uvale inombolo yakhe kwaye akazange ambone kwakhona.
Ndibuze iintombi ezilishumi ukuba bakhe bayifumana iposi ye-junk, kwaye ngaphezulu kwesibini kwisithathu sabo, abavela kubuhlanga obahlukeneyo, inkolo, kunye neemeko zoqoqosho baqinisekisile ukuba ngenene bangeniswe kwividiyo yentonga engacelwanga.
I-Schlong cinematographer kubonakala ngathi bonke basebenza kwiskripthi esifanayo: Baseta imeko yothando kwigumbi lakho lokulala, bamba ifowuni kwinto abayithatha njengekona ethandekayo, baqale ukufota, baqhume ngokuzingca, kwaye bathumele ukuthumela.
Inzondo yokuba yibhasi yebhasi apha, kodwa ukunyaniseka ayisiyiyo indlela esiphendula ngayo kwezi trailer. Endaweni yoko, yile nto ihlala isenzeka kwi-selfie ye-penis (okanye okubi ngakumbi, ividiyo yesenzo): ilayishwa kwangoko kwingxoxo yeqela, yabukelwa amaxesha amaninzi kwaye yahlulwa. Sima kancinci, umfanekiso weskrini, ukusondeza kunye nokubeka izimvo, zihlala zine-emojis. Ukuya kwam kukuhlala ndilila ngokuhleka kulandelwa nasiphi na isiqhamo okanye imifuno echaze kakuhle iphakheji yakho.
Madoda, ngaphandle kokuba sicele ividiyo, zenzele wena kunye nawo wonke umntu: musa ukuyithumela. Ndiyakuqinisekisa, njengomfazi oneminyaka engama-30 ubudala ohlala eManhattan, ayisebenzi. Ukuba besine-teeny, encinci kuwe ngaphambi kokufumana ividiyo yakho, loo mvakalelo iya kuphuma ngoko nangoko.
Nceda unqande ilizwi eliphazamisayo elikhwaza ngaphakathi kuwe elithi: Uyalifuna bhuti! Ufuna ukubona uDick wakho! Iya kukubeka. Yenze.
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Lo uhlala kwicala lasekunene lencasa elungileyo. (Ifoto nguTrevor Ellestad)
Kutheni le nto nabani na ecinga ukuba licebo elilungileyo eli? Ndacela umhlobo wam uAlex, owaziwayo ukuba athumele ezimbalwa.
Abafazi abafuni ukwazi ukuba bazakusebenza ngantoni? Ubuzile.
Ewe, ndiphendule. Kodwa kukho ixesha kunye nendawo kwaye emva komhla wokuqala ayiloxesha okanye indawo /
Akukho xesha linje ngoku ukuba uyandibuza, uphendule.
Ngaba yakha yasebenza?
Ndiyathetha, ndixelelwe ukuba ndihlasele amaxesha amaninzi. Akufani nokuba kukhokelele kubudlelwane.
Ke kutheni uyenza? Ndibuzile.
Ngenxa yokuba ukurhoxiswa kuyonwabisa. Kwaye amaxesha ambalwa endenze ukuba ndibekwe yayiyidope.
Ugxa wam uLisa ovela kwi-Upper East Side wadibana nomfana kwi-JDate. Bahleka, bancokola kamnandi, batshatiswa kukhetho lwabo lwenkolo, kwaye bavumelana ngomhla wesibini. Ngexesha awafika ngalo emnyango wendlu yakhe, ngaphambi kokuba abeke isitshixo sakhe emngxunyeni, wayenemifanekiso ye-dick, eyonyuswe kukwala okwakubonakala ngokubaleka. Uye wayithumela kum, ndamthumelela ubuso obukhalayo ezintlanu kunye nee-emojis ezilishumi zebhanana.
Kwiintsuku ezimbini kamva, umhlobo wam osenyongweni uLiz wayenobusuku obuzolileyo eyedwa ekhaya eBattery Park. Wafumana eyona vidiyo icace gca kwindoda awayeneglasi yewayini Kanye. Uye wandibizela ukuba ndicazululwe. Siphinde sayidlala imovie bhanyabhanya esandula ukuyifumana amatyeli amane ngaphambi kokuba iqela elinokungenakuphepheka lilayishe kwiifilimu zethu ezintathu ezikufutshane. Sonke sabhala amabinzana afanayo okucekisa, i-OMG. Ekhohlakeleyo. Enobungozi. Yintoni le wayecinga ngayo?! Zange aphinde ambone. Nangona kunjalo, woyikisela ukuthumela ividiyo kwi-Instagram nakwi-Twitter, ukummakisha, kwaye abhale isibhengezo se-PSA-silumkiso kubo bonke abantu basetyhini. Akakhange alandele ngesisongelo sakhe kuba ebemthumelela ubuncinci imiyalezo ebhaliweyo elishumi, ecenga kwaye ecela uxolo.
Wayenethamsanqa. Umthumeli olandelayo we-dick pic isenokungabi njalo. Masithembe ukuba usisidenge ngokwaneleyo ukuba ashiye ubuso bakhe kunye neetattoo ezichongiweyo kwividiyo. Nabani na ongenayo ingqiqo yokufihla ubuso bakhe okanye isisu esikhohliwe ukufunxa (intandokazi) ufanelwe ukwazisa kancinci.
